


Kiss me twice (Shame on me)

by pixihawk



Series: Kiss me once, Kiss me twice [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Complicated Relationships, Denial of Feelings, Enemies to Lovers, Flirting with coffee, Jealousy, Lack of Communication, Lots of that, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Post-Canon, Rating May Change, Resolved Sexual Tension, Teasing, Unreliable Narrator, Unresolved Romantic Tension, slow in regard to the romantic aspect of their relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-07-11 22:22:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 32,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15981734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pixihawk/pseuds/pixihawk
Summary: Gavin is struggling to resolve his emotional problems.Connor is both a part of those problems and a part of the solution.It's a combination that makes figuring out the nature of their relationship very difficult.-------Continuation for Kiss me once (Shame on you).





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did end up writing a continuation to [Kiss me once (Shame on you)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15905874), because that verse simply wouldn't leave my mind.  
> If you're here without having read the first part: I suppose it's possible to understand without it, but you'll be missing a lot of context. So if you enjoy my writing style, I'd encourage you to read the first part before you read this one!!
> 
> Beta'd by the wonderful [toonlink](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toonlink)!! Both she and our mutual friend Sarah have cheered me on through writing this and that's been a huge motivational boost!!
> 
> As it was with the first part of this, there's some heavier topics so I'll put some warnings here as well: There's self-deprecating internal monologues and a bit of self-destructive behavior. 
> 
> But now I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I did writing!!

Gavin doesn't understand how things have progressed the way they did.

He doesn't watch romance movies often - the kind that would've interested him as a teen usually ended with tragedy and death - but there's usually a kiss and that's it. All conflict is resolved at once and they live happily ever after.

He doesn't know why he thought kissing Connor would magically solve all the problems and unsaid things between them. Wishful thinking, perhaps.

Reality is different.

They have sex for the first time right on New Year's Eve.

If someone would ask him, he wouldn't be able to tell them whether it's better or worse that way. It doesn't give him time to think any of this over; not that he'd use that time if he'd been granted it.

His entire system is screaming for Connor and it drives him insane. There's no distraction from it either; nothing but soft lips and a warm body pressed flush against his on his mind.

There's no first dates, no courtship, no romantic tension. There's no illusion that Connor would be interested in anything of the sort. But it's fine, because Gavin's not the type for relationships anyway, if his past record is any indication. He doesn't want it either way.

So what's the harm in taking Connor up on his offer to release this tension between them? If this is what it takes to get all of this out of his system, then he'll take it.

This is a mistake, but Gavin has never had particularly good impulse control, as he's demonstrated countless times before.

He doesn't remember if they talk about having sex, whether they see Tina and Hank again or when they leave the venue.

What he remembers is the taxi ride to his place. Connor is there, touching him, _kissing him_. It's so overwhelming that he thinks he might just drown in those sensations until there's nothing left to him. It's just so hard to concentrate with Connors hand stroking his thigh gently and his lips at his ears, whispering to him.

_If I'd known this would shut you up so effectively, I'd have made a move much sooner_.

It's a provocation and he feels like he needs to get angry; to tell him off. But he doesn't dare saying anything in case it'd break the spell.

 

*

 

Sex with Connor is different compared to with another human being.

While his body is pretty much indistinguishable from a real one, he adapts far more quickly and learns all the right buttons to push at a pace that Gavin can barely keep up with. That would probably terrify him, if he wasn't so busy falling apart at every touch of his artificial, delicate, _perfect_ hands.

His face is pressed against the sheets underneath him and the way the fabric is rubbing against his cheek is the only thing grounding him right now. It's almost too much, as nothing his mind had conjured up could've prepared him for the noises the android is making above him as he keeps sinking into his body over and over again.

The fact that he feels pleasure at this seems so strange. Why is a machine making noises at all? Why does it react to touch, just like a human being would? He wants to ask, but his brain is fuzzy and his mouth is dry and every time he opens it, nothing but nonsense comes out; so he bites his tongue.

Those lips that drive him insane scatter kisses between his shoulder blades and strong hands dig into his hips just perfectly; just the way he needs them to. It's disorientating in the best way.

The way he comes undone like he hasn't been touched in years is embarrassing, though he's not sure whether Connor is even aware of how easy he is. Perhaps it's better that way, or he'd have another reason to be disappointed in him the way he is at every other aspect of Gavin's personality.

He just wishes that Connor would be a little less attentive, stop whispering impossibly sweet reassurances into his ear and just focus on his own desires. He wants him to stop taking care of him, as much as he craves it.

It's breathtaking and makes him realize that he's in way over his head.

 

*

 

They don't cuddle afterwards and that's a relief, because Gavin doesn't know whether he'd start yelling or crying if Connor had tried to initiate anything like that. Instead they're lying next to each other on their backs, slowly but surely calming down.

He's pretty sure he can hear a soft whirring noise from somewhere inside of Connor. Like an overheating computer. Does the android have actual fans inside of his body, or are those his bio-components working?

Gavin's trying to catch his breath, but it's getting harder by the minute as he feels like he's starting to choke on the reality of all of this.

Fantasizing about it is one thing, but actually sleeping with Connor is something different entirely. He feels blissful and anxious at the same time, uncertain of how to go from here. He's never gotten this far in his imagination.

The worst thing about it all is that he's already longing for more. As if what they've done only managed to momentarily scratch an itch, only for the same itching to return far worse afterwards.

The silence hangs between them until Gavin can't take it anymore and he reaches over to his night table for his cigarettes and lighter. Perhaps it'll help him grasp onto the momentary bliss that's quickly fading from his mind.

The whole process of lighting it and taking the first drag bridges several awkward moments, but just seconds later the uncertainty is back. He needs to say something, doesn't he? Why is Connor so silent?

"You know, I didn't think you'd have a dick. I just assumed you'd be a Ken doll."

He's never been all that great at pillow talk.

Surprisingly that gains him a soft chuckle however and Gavin's chest feels constricted at once. Why does a simple sound like that manage to get under his skin so much?

"You would've been correct in your assumption until very recently. This wasn't part of my original functionality. I acquired these parts only a week ago."

_A week ago_. Right around the time of that forsaken Christmas party. Did he do that because of...? No, that must've been a coincidence, right?

From the corner of his eyes he can see that Connor rolls onto his side. He looks at Gavin with so much joy in his eyes that it makes him feel distinctly uneasy. Why is he looking at him like that? And worst of all, he sounds fucking gleeful and unaware of his uneasiness as he continues.

"I didn't know which ones you'd prefer, but I figured that if you were attracted to my male appearance a penis would be the safest option. I can switch it out, if you ever want a change."

There's so many things to unpack in those sentences that it makes Gavin's head hurt. It sounds like he's implying that there'll be a second time. Or more. And so he did get it specifically for him? Shit, that idea fucks with his head. Does that mean Gavin is his first sexual experience?

That thought makes his stomach turn unpleasantly. Connor likely just had sex for the first time. He could've had this with anyone, yet he chose him of all people? Why? He's certain it couldn't be because he's the only one who was conveniently attracted to him and down for this, not with the androids looks and personality. It's so charming and endearing that it makes Gavin feel sick.

Maybe it is because they hate each other and there's nothing to lose here by using the other one like this.

It makes too much sense and Gavin has the strong urge to punch something for being so stupidly hung up on that theory. There is nothing between them to even be had, yet he's already upset at the thought of losing it again.

Connors body unexpectedly presses against his side and a hand gently caresses his chest, drawing lines across it. His lips touch his jaw, pressing soft kisses there and it's so unbearable that Gavin turns his head away far too violently. It's an impulse reaction and he regrets it almost immediately. At least that means he can't see the expression on the androids face at his rejection.

Only when he feels Connor fall back onto his side of the bed does he turn his gaze back to the ceiling.

He takes a deep drag from his cigarette, hoping that the nicotine can somehow chase away the bad taste he has in his mouth.

"You should quit that. It's bad for your health."

Gavin can't help but scoff at that. For some reason he feels annoyance bubbling up fast in his chest and it quickly taints all of his thought processes.

"I didn't ask for your opinion. Just because we fucked doesn't mean I care for what you think."

It's harsher than he intended to and he winces at himself. Not that he's ever sure what his intentions are when he lashes out like that at such small provocations, but right now he's particularly baffled by himself. It's out there now and he can't take it back.

Connor falls silent next to him and the whirring sound stops entirely.

Shit, he just messed up again. Why is there this inherent urge inside of him to self-sabotage at every opportunity?

"I apologize. You're right that it's not my place to comment."

The androids voice is so soft and understanding that it makes Gavin's heart ache. That ache becomes even worse when Connor gets up and starts picking up his clothes.

"I'm going to leave you alone now."

Gavin watches him silently as he puts on his slacks, shirt and jacket. Despite his best efforts Connor doesn't look nearly as put together once he's dressed as he usually does. Especially his hair is wild and messed up, hanging into his face in large strands. Gavin has the strong urge to get up and tuck them back in.

He doesn't.

Before he leaves for good, Connor stops at the door and turns back around to him.

"... If you're not opposed to it, I'd like to do this again."

_Again._

Maybe he should tell him to stay, or say something else; but Gavin's mouth won't cooperate with him and so he stays silent.

Stupid fucking pride and stubbornness. How can both of those still mess things up for him so badly when he's already given in, throwing all pretense out of the window?

Moments later he is alone in his bedroom, feeling like somewhere along the way this went horribly wrong.

 

*

 

When he arrives at work on January 2nd, tense and with far too little sleep, nothing much changes at first. He can almost convince himself that nothing happened between the two of them, but when he sits down at his desk, there's a cup of coffee waiting for him; just the way he likes it. Strong, no milk, two sugar.

At first he suspects Tina, but there's no tell-tale note from her on it and when he looks up, his eyes meet Connors immediately. He looks strangely sheepish but when he notices that he has Gavin's attention, the corners of his mouth turn upwards into a teasing smile and he _winks_ at him.

It's right then that he realizes how poorly thought out this entire ordeal truly was.

Two seconds later his phone buzzes.

 

**[Unknown] Today, 7:11am**

_Hope you enjoyed your New Year's celebration just as much as I did._

 

Gavin groans, then puts his phone on mute and throws it as far away on his desk as he can. This right here is why fooling around with any colleagues is a bad idea. He doesn't dare looking up to see Connors reaction.

He buries himself in work even more so than usual, trying to clear his mind by concentrating on something else; all while trying to ignore those eyes watching him. It's not working out in the slightest.

The coffee turns cold without him touching it once.

 

*

 

He's pretty sure that he can see his phone blinking with the notification of a new message out of the corner of his eyes several times. It's enough to put him on edge and increase his stress even more. For a moment he considers turning it off entirely, but that would mean getting a glimpse at the messages that are there.

Avoidance is so much more comfortable than confrontation.

"Hey asshole. It's our break now." 

Tina stands next to his desk, hands on her hips and she looks pissed off. Gavin takes one look at her, then groans and turns around back to his computer.

"Leave me alone, Tina."

But she's having none of it, because she's just as stubborn as he is and that's what he hates and loves about her most.

His computer goes dark at once and when he turns back around he sees that she pushed the power button. Now that's just playing unfair.

"What the hell!!" It's all he can muster, because he's not even sure why he's protesting so much in the first place. Besides, it's not like he had any unsaved work open; he didn't manage to get anything done so far.

"Well, you're not working anymore. Now come with me before Captain Fowler rips us both a new one for dilly dallying."

He could pull his rank on her, but it's pointless arguing with her when she's like that, so Gavin sighs and gets up. He could use a smoke anyway, especially when he notices how his hands slightly tremble at the thought of passing by Connors desk. What the fuck is he, a schoolboy with his first crush? It sure does feel like it, except it's so much more complicated.

It feels surreal that they've been so close now.

Outside of the precinct they turn towards their usual corner. It's pretty secluded and shielded from view, so here they can talk in private. Gavin isn't sure what they could even talk about.

As Tina lights her cigarette, she stares him down as if she's trying to psychoanalyze him. It reminds him too much of a certain other person.

_Android_.

Whatever.

"So... you wanna tell me why you ditched me at the party? Because that was a dick move. The least you could do is apologize to Maya, because she was super disappointed once we realized you were gone."

Her stare is starting to get under his skin and he shifts uncomfortably in his place. What's he supposed to say? He can barely remember what he was thinking at the time.

"And what's up with you today? You didn't look at your phone once, or yell across the room at anyone yet. All you did was stare at your computer, but I'm pretty sure you were just opening and closing the same reports over and over."

He hates how good she can read him. Perhaps he could consider her a best friend, though he's fairly certain that she doesn't feel the same way about him. It's pathetic.

He knows that she wouldn't understand, but something inside of him compels him to tell her the truth. Maybe he does feel guilty for leaving her behind like that. Or perhaps it's because he needs to hear what an idiot he is from someone who he knows will be entirely honest with him.

The words are out of his mouth before he can think about them, or stop himself.

"I fucked Connor."

"Jesus Christ!"

Tina's eyes go wide at once and she sputters as her cigarette almost falls from her lips. She catches it, but just barely manages to not burn herself in the process.

"You can't just spring that on me without warning. This is a joke, right? You're having me on."

"Dead serious. Fuck, I wish I was kidding."

There it is again, that all too well-known exasperation at himself. Why can't he get his shit together for once?

Tina doesn't seem amused in the slightest. Her lips are pressed into a thin line showing her clear disapproval. Shit, this was the look he was afraid of. He knew this was a bad idea, but now he can't take it back.

"Why? I mean, I did notice that something was going on between the two of you, but I thought you hated his guts. This is very...sudden."

"I don't know, okay?"

He really doesn't. But he feels the urge to defend himself, at least somewhat.

"I think I've been into him for a while in some fucked up way, but I didn't think he'd be into me. I can't explain it because I wasn't thinking properly, but it doesn't matter. I know I screwed up."

That seems to make it even worse, as Tina scowls. Fuck, why does she need to rub it in even further? He knows this entire situation is bad. Then again, he knew what he was in for when he decided to confide in her. And on some fucked up level he needs her to tell him that he's an ass.

He kicks at the ground in frustration and it probably looks as childish as he feels. If only just ignoring this would make it all go away.

"Gav, you know I truly care about you and I hope you don't take this the wrong way; but Connor deserves far better. I saw you sucker punch him in front of me just two months ago. Sure; we didn't know better at the time, but things like that don't just go away."

It stings.

Because he knows it's true.

She stubs out her cigarette on the ground and when she looks back up to him, her features are much softer than before. That manages to catch Gavin off-guard.

"...However I'm also your friend and if you need help with this, then I'll be there for you. You know that, right?"

He doesn't know if he does. Usually he can't trust people to actually care for him, or even think about him when he isn't around them. Tina might be the only person he knows that he thinks he could perhaps trust enough.

So he nods weakly and hopes that the topic is done for.

 

*

 

_Connor deserves far better._

Tina's words echo in his mind as the coffee machine stutters in front of him. He threw the coffee he got from Connor earlier away, but now his body is screaming for caffeine.

He knows that he's being an ass in ignoring the android. But he also never pretended to be anything but. Still, the talk with his friend did make him feel unpleasantly guilty for the way he's been treating him. Apologizing isn't his strong suit though and it's so much harder when it's Connor, for some reason.

Making the second cup of coffee is an impulse decision.

When he returns to his work place to finally get something done, he passes by Connors desk, but it's empty. Hank is at his place though and that makes Gavin's heart beat even harder in his chest from anxiety.

Shit, he didn't think about that possibility. But now he's already there, another cup of coffee in his hand that's clearly not for him and he's going to look like an ass if he doesn't go through with this.

As he approaches the desk Hank musters him with clear disapproval. Gavin puts the coffee down on Connors place as nonchalantly as possible and averts his eyes as he mumbles "That's for him. Just tell him that."

Hank raises his eyebrows and then there's an amused grin spreading on his face, but he nods.

"Sure. I'll let him know."

Gavin flees back to his desk without another word, already feeling his cheeks burn in humiliation. He just hopes that Connor knows what he's trying to say.

The android doesn't return back to his place even until Gavin wraps things up to go home and he can't help but feel a strange mix of disappointment and relief at that.

 

*

 

It's only when he gets home that he checks his messages. There's five overall and he groans as he goes through them. The first one he reads already makes his heart sink to his stomach and he feels the intense urge to hit his head against the nearest wall.

 

**[Unknown] Today, 7:15am**

_I hope you enjoy your coffee._

 

The next ones aren't as bad thankfully, though his stomach still turns unpleasantly as he reads them.

 

**[Tina] Today, 7:32am**

_hey we need to talk_

**[Tina] Today, 9:10am**

_stop ignoring me i kno ur trying to but u cant avoid me forever_

**[Tina] Today, 11:25am**

_imn gonna kick ur ass_

And then there's the last one, which he received only a few minutes prior.

 

**[Unknown] Today, 7:46pm**

_Thank you for the coffee. I can't consume any liquids besides Thirium 310, but I appreciate the gesture. Have a nice evening, Detective._

He does end up throwing his phone away again, but this time it thankfully lands safely on his bed. It doesn't feel nearly as satisfying, but at least he won't regret it as much.

 

*

 

The following week is strangely uneventful. Connor stays out of his way, but every morning there's a fresh cup of coffee on his desk when he comes in.

He lets it go cold every time, trying to ignore how weirdly constricted his chest feels whenever he thinks about it. He knows that Connor sees it and it makes him feel strangely exposed. What's it about him that makes him feel so completely laid bare? He should've never let him get this close, because now he can't even hide behind his anger any longer.

Both of them know it's a pretense.

The station feels claustrophobic to him now that there's four pairs of eyes watching his every move.

For one there's Anderson, who keeps throwing him weird glances and Gavin is fairly certain that Connor confided in him. They're so close that he can't imagine that he didn't. At least that's what he's scared of.

In fact, he feels like everyone can tell what's between them and is aware of how ridiculous he's behaving, but in that case he can at least partially blame paranoia.

Then there's Tina, who's keeping a close eye on both him and Connor. It still pisses him off that she's not just blindly in his corner, but he bites his tongue and tries to swallow it down. He wouldn't want her any other way and she's already put up with enough of his childish temper tantrums. He just needs to get over his own moronic self.

Captain Fowler has been keeping close watch over him ever since the Christmas Party. Gavin's glad that he got out of that debacle with only being confined to office work for a few days, but that is likely not to his own credit.

The one responsible for it watches him from his desk, always trying to meet his gaze and catch him unguarded. It's just one more dance but Gavin feels distinctively unprepared for it. Just like everything else that happens between them, he feels completely swept up by it, unable to influence anything by himself.

It makes him want to pack his things and quit, if only to escape this anxious tension. It's almost worse than his anger from before.

 

*

 

They're one and a half week into January when he's finally back on a case. At last he's gone from Connor's view and all the unsaid things that hang between them. But now, outside of the precinct, he can think properly again and concentrate on something different.

It's good to get some fresh air every now and then, even when said air smells distinctively of death. He always enjoyed field work more than the office, despite the drawbacks.

"So, what do we have?"

He feels back in his element as Collins hands him the report and fills him in with the details of this particular scene.

White female, 27 years old according to the passport she had on her person, beaten until several of her limbs were broken and with bruising all over her body. The likely cause of death is a blow to the head. Killed in the same location they found her at; an old abandoned family home, like there's plenty of in the city.

It's simple. One victim and plenty of evidence to go around.

Perhaps he shouldn't feel so ecstatic at the thought of diving into this case, but he learned fairly early into this job that empathy was the worst thing to have when you see dead bodies with a tragic story almost every day.

The scene has been wiped down, but they still find quite a few good samples. Even a very useful fingerprint, on her arm. It's sloppy work and basically a banquet for them.

They're already starting to wrap up when Gavin's good mood gets ruined at once.

He's just in the middle of taking one last look at the body when he can hear their voices talking to the Officer standing guard outside, giving him their credentials and getting directions.

The next thing he knows, both Anderson and Connor turn the corner and Gavin can't help but stare at them dumbfounded.

This was supposed to be an easy job, something simple to keep them off his mind. So what the fuck are they doing here? The two of them have been off homicide for a while and instead have their own division of Android specific cases. What's going on?

"What the fuck are you two clowns doing here?"

He knows that it's neither professional nor polite, but his brain is really not amused by any of this. Right when he was feeling better for the first time in weeks.

Hank flashes him a sarcastic smile that's all teeth and moves around the body, never taking his eyes off Gavin as he does so.

"Oh, they haven't told you?"

There's clear mockery there and it makes Gavin curl his hands into fists. If Anderson wants to make this into a power play situation, then he'll give him one. He's never been particularly good about picking his fights after all, never afraid of taking a hit if it means standing his ground. That's how he obtained a majority of his scars.

"Far as I'm concerned you're intruding on my crime scene and this is where I have the final say, so piss off."

Connor's already kneeling down to get a look at the victim and that image prompts even more anger in him. What the hell are they doing?!

"Hey, don't touch that! Leave that the fuck alone, tin can!"

"Or what? Are you going to make me stop?"

Connor looks up at him, raising an eyebrow in amusement and at once Gavin realizes that those were the first words they've exchanged ever since New Years. The air in the room feels very heavy all of a sudden.

All the words he wants to say are gone from his mind, leaving nothing but emptiness.

It's Hank who finally decides to explain the situation and when he speaks up, Gavin shamefully flinches. He hates this, every second of it.

"We're currently working on a case of Androids being rounded up and beaten to death by what we speculate is an organized hate group."

_Death_.

Only a few weeks prior people would've laughed at the notion that an Android could be considered alive and it's deactivation a kind of death. Gavin still doesn't truly buy it, because despite everything they're still nothing but machinery in a human skin dress. 

...but that would make him a hypocrite, wouldn't it? He can't fool himself anymore into thinking that he sees Connor as anything but something very close to human; alive and conscious.

He doesn't want to follow this particular thought process right now, so he shakes it off and tries to focus on what Anderson is telling him. None of what he says makes him understand why they're here.

"Yeah but that doesn't explain what you're doing here, because she's _clearly_ not an Android."

"We have reason to believe that the same group may be responsible for this case. The M.O. matches. So since that'd make it _our_ case... we're taking a look at the crime scene. If you don't mind?"

Gavin just stares at him, disbelieving that they're trying to take this from him. It's in that moment that he sees something from the corner of his eyes.

"Hey, what the hell are you- Oh fuck."

Connor swipes his fingers through the pooling blood next to the victims head and lifts them up to his mouth.

From reports he knows that he does this, but it's different in reality. It's revolting and far too sensual and Gavin wants to find whoever built him to give them a piece of his mind about _why the fuck_ they thought making him like _this_ was alright in any way.

Connors eyes flicker shut and he seems to be processing. When he opens them again, he looks right at Gavin, making sure that he's observing him. Or at least that's what it looks like. Shit, is he overthinking this? Is he making this up? Gavin truly wants to just bolt in that moment, escaping this crime scene and this fucking android, because this is getting under his skin in a way that he didn't sign up for.

But then there is that knowing smile again.

He wants to kick his own ass. Of course Connor's doing this deliberately. And worst of all, it's working, as he feels his heart beating mercilessly in his chest; clearly giving him away if the androids expression is anything to go by.

Seeing someone lick a corpse's blood off their fingers at a crime scene should really not evoke a reaction like this in him and he feels sick with himself. Sick with Connor. Sick with whatever it is that's going on between them and he wants nothing more than to cleanse himself of it.

"There's traces of Thirium in her blood, just like we thought."

Connor concludes his readings and with that the discussion seems to be over for both him and Hank.

"Whatever. I won't fucking let this stand.", Gavin mutters under his breath, then turns around and stalks off, though not without flipping the two of them off without looking back.

It's a clear defeat and he can feel his mood reaching new lows.

 

*

 

When he returns to work the next day, there's another fresh cup of coffee on his desk. Instead of letting it go cold like usually, he takes it and finds the nearest trash can. Before he does anything, he finds Connors gaze and makes sure that he watches his every move as he opens it and throws the cup away.

There's not much of a reaction besides an almost unnoticeable tug downwards at his lips. It's gone again soon, replaced by a polite smile. Gavin doesn't know what he expected, or what kind of reaction he wanted to gauge. Perhaps he simply wanted to regain some sense of control.

It doesn't make him feel better in the slightest and despite this petty display there's a new cup of coffee waiting for him the day after.

 

*

 

They officially take the case out of his hands a week later and he has to restrain himself from not yelling at the Captain because of it. But if he wants to ever leave his desk during his time here ever again, then he needs to stop blowing up at every opportunity.

It's just so fucking unfair; he's barely been back on it and already it's ruined again. But that's basically his whole life neatly summed up into one sentence, isn't it?

So he's back in the office, having to sit around until the Captain feels merciful enough to assign him on another case.

Stupid fucking androids and their stupid joke of an android division.

When he enters the archive room to register the evidence he's been working with, a strange sense of uneasiness washes over him. He's been down here a few times in the past two months, but not ever since Connor returned. A lot of different emotions are suddenly connected to this place and it's making him feel like he's an exposed nerve.

Quickly he punches in his password and decides the best way to go about this is to put away everything as fast as he can and then leave.

But of course it's not that easy.

Why would it be?

He doesn't hear anyone enter behind him, or move across the room. He's turned away from the entrance, but he still should've heard footsteps. It's only when he hears that all too familiar voice far too close behind him that he realizes he's not alone and he can't stop himself from flinching.

"It's been a while since we've been down here together."

_What the fuck?_

His heart is pounding mercilessly all of a sudden, but it's not because of the scare. It takes him considerable effort to get his body to cooperate, but he turns around and sure enough, there he stands. Just a few inches away from him is Connor, his arms crossed behind his back and an entirely unreadable expression on his face. If only he still had his LED. As much as Gavin used to hate the look of that thing, it was immensely helpful.

Connor doesn't wait for him to answer and instead tilts his head to the side, mustering him intensely. He can feel himself twitch under that gaze, all too aware of how the android is looking for any and all reactions from him.

"I apologize for last week. You seemed very upset and that was only partially my intention."

What?

Gavin has a hard time actually figuring out what he's apologizing for, as his brain is already struggling to keep up with what's happening here. It's just that Connor steps closer to him, deliberately intruding on his personal space. The last time they stood this close together, this entire mess started.

Last week - right; the case. Yes, he was pissed off about that just a few moments ago and he feels like he should be angry right now too, tell Connor exactly what he thinks of him. But what does he think of him? He's really not sure at all.

When he speaks again, Gavin can feel warm, artificial breath on his skin and he can't help but slightly lean into it because he's weak-willed and already far too deep into this to get out on his own accord.

Connor notices. Of course he does.

"We haven't had much time to talk and I regret that fact. I want to reconcile things between us."

Why is Connor always so fucking professional and collected, even in situations like this? He sounds so polite about all of this that it makes Gavin want to say something stupid or provocative, just to hear him swear again. It somehow made him feel special, for having witnessed that.

He's so fixated on trying to see any little movement on Connors infuriatingly neutral face that he jerks his hand away in surprise as he unexpectedly feels something brush against it. Huh?

But there it is, a frown on the androids features.

Had he just tried to take his hands in his? And Gavin rejected it. Shit, that wasn't his intention. Or was it? It should be, but it isn't. Despite knowing better, he knows that he doesn't want Connor to go and instead have him closer.

Before he has time to consider this, he reaches up between them and cups his face, brushing his thumbs against those far too lovely cheeks. Impulsive. What is he doing? His heart skips several beats as he realizes his own actions. Shit.

Connors lips part slightly and his eyes are focused intently on Gavin, though now he can read definite curiosity there, as even with all his impressive predictive programming he apparently didn't expect this. Gavin can't help himself from feeling at least somewhat smug at that.

But then he seems to process this. A moment later there's hands on his hips, holding him and the last of Gavin's resolve leaves him as he pulls Connor down towards him, meeting his lips with his own.

Finally.

It's been weeks since they kissed for the first and last time and to experience that sensation again makes him feel dizzy with barely concealed desire. He can't help but sigh into the kiss. Shit, he's even more desperate for this than he thought.

It's a slow but passionate kiss and there's no room in his mind to consider that they're still at work, with anyone being able to see them if they entered the basement. Not when he can feel a thumb brush underneath the hem of his shirt, gently stroking the exposed skin of his sides and definitely not when he can feel Connors pulse quicken underneath the palms of his hands.

Connor's body is impossibly warm against his. They fit together like they were made for this and he curses that thought as soon as it occurs in his mind.

He's so screwed.

When they part his breath comes fast and elevated and the only thing that saves his pride is to see that Connor is just as affected. His pupils are dilated, almost threatening to swallow up the brown of his eyes. There's a blue hue on his cheeks and nose.

It's the expression on his face that truly does Gavin in however. He's smiling, but it's not the cocky smirk he puts on sometimes to fuck with him and instead it almost looks like he's not even aware that he does it. But that makes no sense, because can a machine even truly do things on instinct?

Shit, he's been staring at Connors lips. When he looks back up to meet his eyes, there's a strange glint inside of them.

"You've been longing for this just as much as I have."

It takes considerable strength to get his own mouth to form anything resembling coherent words, as he slowly comes down from the adrenaline of touching Connor again after all this time. But with that also returns some of the annoyance at how easy he's making it for the android. Once again.

Why does Connor need to voice all those things he'd rather not hear because they ring far too true? And why does he even bother with statements like that when he can tell exactly what kind of effect he has on him?

"If you think this is that simple then-"

He doesn't get to finish his sentence, as hands grab his shoulders and a second later he feels his back hitting the wall behind them. It makes him momentarily feel like all the wind gets knocked out from his lungs, though that feeling doesn't have anything at all to do with the physical impact. There's not even enough time for him to start protesting before hungry lips meet his again and immediately all complaints die unsaid in his throat.

Maybe it is that simple.

This time it's different to their first kiss; more heated and unrestrained than before. A tongue coaxes his lips open and there's a leg slipping between his, pressing up against his crotch for some much-needed friction. Enough to drive him mad, but not enough to feel satisfying in any way. It envelopes his mind in a hazy cloud of want and _need_ and why the fuck does Connor have this much power over him?

This is happening too fast, too much and he can't think properly at all; not when it's Connors hands he feels digging into his skin, finding their way under his shirt and making him shiver.

Every pretense of dignity goes right out of the fucking window and he feels both humiliated and aroused in a distinctly mind-numbing way.

Fuck it, two can play at this game. Gavin gets his limbs to cooperate with him again, as he twists one hand into Connors hair and lets the other one roam down his back, until he reaches his ass. When he squeezes, Connor gasps into their kiss and it sounds like music to his desire-clouded brain.

But just as quickly as it began, Connor pulls away. It's likely better that way, yet Gavin can't help but try and capture his lips once again, because if they stop then he can think about this.

Connor avoids him and instead brings their foreheads together; their noses almost touching. When he speaks, it's in a whisper and with a strange tone to it that Gavin's never heard from him before. And fuck, this is so much worse because it is strangely intimate. It's actually kind of terrifying.

He feels choked up all of a sudden.

"I'm not wrong, yes? I have no interest in teasing you in any way that's not fun for both of us. You already know that this is fairly new for me."

Gavin's mouth is dry and he doesn't know why Connor insists on making him say it. They're here making out with each other; his erection clearly pressing against Connors leg and he's still questioning whether Gavin wants this? Why does he bother? It'd be so much easier if the android would simply take from him what he wanted without any consideration. Maybe he could keep pretending then that he doesn't want it just as much.

Logically he knows that he should tell him that this is insane and they're not made for each other; because they aren't. It'll only end in destruction, if their first encounter is anything to go by. Neither of them will get out of this unharmed and he just doesn't understand how Connor can't see it.

That logical part of his brain just doesn't seem to function properly when he talks to the android. It never has.

Slowly, he shakes his head. When he speaks, he can tell that his mouth is forming the words, but it doesn't feel like it's him saying it. It doesn't _sound_ like him. His voice is far too breathless.

"... you're right."

There's that smile again on Connors face and it seems so strangely soft that it makes Gavin's head spin. _Affectionate_.

It makes him want to avert his gaze and hide, so he doesn't have to face this any longer.

But before he can actually do that, the android pulls away all of a sudden, freeing himself of his embrace and completely stepping away; a challenge clearly in his eyes. Like he dares him to try and keep him from slipping away.

"Then I'll wait for your next move."

Sadistic fucker.

Connor is gone before Gavin's brain can process what's happening. What the hell?

What. _The_ _hell_.

He's still unable to catch his breath, achingly hard and feeling like a fish caught out of water. It feels like another defeat and he just doesn't understand what it is that Connor wants from him.

With a groan he lets his head fall backwards against the wall behind him; frustrated at himself and how badly he's handling this.

All of this is messed up but he still wants it so bad; wants that feeling back. Connor knows it and he's playing with him. If he has any doubts left about him not being sentient and just being a simple program running in a metal skeleton, then they leave right in that moment.

It seems that all of his options are shit right now. He could either chase after Connor and give him that satisfaction, or he could pretend he didn't just admit to the fact that he wants to. Neither option is something that'll leave his pride intact.

He hates it. And he loves it. And it confuses him so much that annoyance takes over his mind, enwrapping all of his senses until he desperately needs an outlet for it, or else he'd be swallowed whole by it.

Gavin turns around and before he can stop himself he slams his fists against the wall. The impact runs through his entire body, making his bones and muscles hurt in a comforting manner, but it's not enough to calm him down. It's a stupid reaction and he should've learned from that time a few weeks ago.

The room feels even more constricting than before and he's dying for a smoke right now. Alcohol would be preferred to quiet his brain, but he's still on duty, so he'll need to get a grip on himself in whatever way he can. He's just glad that nobody's around to witness this pathetic display.

Fuck this.

Fuck all of this.

And fuck Connor in particular.

 

*

 

In the days between New Year's and now he only jerked off a couple of times to the memory of that night. It's not the same and feels hollow, but it's all he has left to stay sane under the circumstances.

Their encounter in the archive room however makes all of it so much worse again. He wants to make excuses for himself, but it's getting harder and harder to lie to himself about all of this. If he didn't already know that his attraction to Connor manifested itself in fucked up ways, then this would have worried him even more.

None of this is healthy, is it?

But instead of working through this like a reasonable human being would, he bottles it up to seethe until it'll eventually blow up in his face.

Before that happens though he can try to pretend like he has some type of control over this, even as he gets off with just the image of brown eyes watching him and gentle hands touching him in his mind.

The only thing that accomplishes though is making his self-loathing even worse.

It could be so easy. He could text Connor and just ask him to come over. Or corner him at the DPD; ask him directly. Perhaps even apologize, for treating him so badly the last time and trying to ignore his messages and coffees. Attempt to resolve these feelings between them properly, just like he offered.

But he's a coward.

Worse, he's a stubborn coward who apparently thrives on wallowing in his own misery and self-pity.

He knows that if he does end up indulging in those desires again, they'll only get worse.

It would be much easier if Connor shared the same sentiment.

 

*

 

**[Chris] Today, 1:32pm**

_Did you see this already because its a mood_

It's Sunday and Gavin is thankfully off-duty. He's still in bed when his phone buzzes and he sees Chris' message. It's how things with him usually are; they don't talk for a while until one of them sends the other one a message out of the blue like no time had passed at all. They never had a talk about their friendship and what's going on with Connor like he did with Tina, but Chris is still one of the two people he actually enjoys talking to.

There's an images attached to his message that's just the word 'death' in a tiny font. Where did Chris even find this? That's the kind of shit he used to laugh at when he was a teen.

Nevertheless it does manage to make him smile tiredly. It's probably the first time he does in days, so he types up a response before that mood leaves him again.

 

**Sent Today, 1:34pm**

_hey you wanna hang out today? watch a movie or smth i need a distraction_

The answer comes almost immediately.

 

**[Chris] Today, 1:35pm**

_Sure, its been far too long!! ill ask Emmett to watch Damian, though im sure i can make it up to him hehe_

With that being settled he lets his phone fall next to him on his bed and decides that he's neither awake enough yet to get up nor even has the energy to do so. Chris will take a while until he's ready to come over, so he doesn't have to anyway.

It's kind of gross how in love he and Emmett still are, even after two years of being married. Especially when he considers that Chris is seven years his junior. If that destructive emotion worming at his brain might be jealousy, then he doesn't care to confront himself on it. It doesn't even truly matter; he's not the type to get married anyway.

Would Connor be?

...Yeah, that's not a strange thought to have. At all. What the hell is up with his brain lately? All that sexual frustration must be really getting to him. Shit, he's supposed to be a grown up and not a teenager that starts crushing on every person he has sex with.

But it's not every person, is it?

There's a strange, intrusive thought in his mind that's wondering what'd happen if he'd text Connor right now, but as soon as he recognizes it he turns around to press his face into his pillow and groans; as if that'd help push away those feelings.

It doesn't and only succeeds at making him feel even more mentally exhausted than before.

 

*

 

Chris comes over sometime around 4pm and he brings some leftovers from their lunch, assuming correctly that Gavin hadn't managed to make himself anything to eat yet. He usually gets take out on weekends because he has no energy left to cook, but today is a particularly bad day in that regard.

Each with a beer and Gavin with his breakfast slash dinner they settle down in his living room. Three years ago when Chris transferred to their precinct and they started befriending each other they put together a list of movies to watch and at this point they're roughly halfway through. The plan for today is to simply continue where they left off when they hung out the last time. That was well past in September of last year, before all of this bullshit went down.

Sitting here like they did before the revolution is comforting in a way and allows him to forget about a lot of what's happening currently. The fact that he's sort of reconciling his relationship with Chris in the process is an added bonus.

"I can't believe you never watched the original Spiderman."

Chris leans back on the couch as the opening starts playing. They haven't watched many Superhero movies so far as they've been kind of officially overdone ever since the mid 2020's, but today neither of them can process anything more challenging.

"You're full of shit, because the _original_ one is Tobey McGuire."

"Yeah but that movie came out the year you were born, didn't it? It was already old news by the time you stopped wearing diapers, so it doesn't count."

It's easy to fall back into mindless bickering like this and Gavin actually finds himself relaxing as they get into the movie. It's a strange feeling he's not used to anymore.

It's somewhere around the middle of the second act that his phone buzzes with a new message. Without thinking about it, Gavin checks it and regrets it immediately. He feels himself tense up at once and just hopes that Chris is too engrossed in what's happening on the screen to notice.

Not even today he gets a break.

 

  **[Unknown] Today, 6:37pm**

_Hank's out and said he wants some time to himself. Sumo keeps me company. He's a really good friend! Have you met him yet?_

Something twists very unpleasantly in Gavin's stomach.

Why the fuck is Connor suddenly sending messages again? He didn't try that once ever since Gavin threw away the coffee almost a week ago by now, not even after their last encounter.

And Sumo, that's Anderson's dog, right? Why does he message him just to talk about a pet?

Before he can even think about answering, his phone buzzes again, twice in succession.

There's another message from Connor and attached comes a picture of a huge Saint Bernard asleep on the floor. He's seen the dog a few times before when Anderson took him to work, though that hasn't happened in quite a while.

 

**[Unknown] Today, 6:38pm**

_I don't know why I shared that with you. But I wanted to._

Gavin stares at the message and rereads it several times.

Why does reading this message in particular make his pulse race? It's just two stupid sentences and yet somehow they feel important for a reason he can't quite name. There's just something about knowing that Connor thinks about him that makes him feel a mixture of discomfort and... excitement.

His fingers type an answer without him actively instructing them to. It's an impulse decision.

 

**Sent Today, 6:42pm**

_thats cute_

 

Quickly he puts his phone on mute and tries to concentrate back on the movie to shut his thoughts down. But the distraction is gone for good.

Things are happening on screen and sometimes he hears himself laugh at random parts, or acknowledge a comment Chris makes, but he doesn't truly participate in any of it. His mind is only occupied with possible responses that Connor might send back. He shouldn't have answered in the first place.

He manages to go about ten minutes before the anxiety to check his phone again gets too overwhelming to resist. Connor apparently doesn't understand the concept of spamming, because his notifications are full of new messages just from him.

 

**[Unknown] Today, 6:44pm**

_He is!_

**[Unknown] Today, 6:45pm**

_I don't mean to offend, but I didn't expect you to answer. I thought you'd keep pretending that you don't think about me. Surprises are nice._

**[Unknown] Today, 6:45pm**

_Here is us!_

What follows are several images of different angles of the dog. He's eating out of his bowl, then he's lying on the floor again. In a few of them there's a hand petting him and he immediately recognizes it as Connors. Shit, but why does he have such detailed hands? Someone sat down and designed him like this, even going so far as to putting small birth marks there, though that might not be the correct word given the context.

Then there's a picture of the dog resting his head on what appears to be Connors lap, while those same hands scratch both of his ears. Wait, how is he taking these pictures?

Turns out that he doesn't need to ask, because Connor answers that question himself.

 

**[Unknown] Today, 6:48pm**

_Did you know that everything I see and experience gets recorded to my memory? My system compresses the information and deletes most of the raw footage. I keep the ones that are important._

There's one more image and another message after that.

The small preview already is enough to make his fingers tremble, though for some unbeknownst reason and against his better judgment he still clicks on it. His heart skips several beats as the image comes up on his screen in full size.

He remembers this, but he also remembers how he thought Connor hadn't actually been paying attention at the time. As it's so often the case, he gets it wrong again.

It's Gavin himself.

Lying on his bed, naked, a cigarette between his lips and staring up at the ceiling.

It feels like everything comes to a halt as he stares at the image and the accompanying message.

**[Unknown] Today, 6:49pm**

_You looked really pretty._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think and thanks for reading so far!!!  
> For now there are three chapters planned, but that could change as I've not pre-written anything unlike for my longer story!!  
> A sidenote: The rating is mature right now, but it might go up to explicit, depending on how what I planned works out. Just FYI
> 
> Also: I've been listening to a lot of Mother Mother while writing. I'd absolutely recommend checking them out, not just in the context of this fic but in general.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thank you all so very much for being so sweet. Seriously, I don't think I ever had this much fun writing for a fandom!! All your lovely words motivated me SO MUCH!! :D 
> 
> This chapter is the longest I ever posted and I don't know if I should apologize for that, but it didn't feel right to cut it any sooner. In fact it was supposed to go on even longer, so I'm not entirely sure if there'll be three or four chapters overall now. I suppose we'll see. 
> 
> Also huge thanks @ my friends Sarah and Nina for coming up with all the names for minor characters!!! And in general, for just dealing with my writing process which is 99% screaming 'is this okay?!' at them. 
> 
> Fair warnings for the contents of this chapter include more self-deprecating internal monologues and some behavior associated with depression. 
> 
> But for now I really hope you enjoy this!!!

February begins with a dark cloud over Gavins head.

He's not entirely sure whether it's Connor, his own mind or the fact that winter has always fucked him up somehow, but it's probably a mixture of all three.

He spends an entire weekend laying in bed, only getting up to get some dry toast to eat because it's the one thing he has in his apartment. Okay, so maybe he's feeling more depressed recently than he normally does, but he still gets up and goes to work each day, so it's not that bad. Fuck Connor and his suggestion that he should go see a therapist. He doesn't need it, because he never has.

When he's back in bed, he goes through all the messages Connor sent him that week.

Again.

 

**[Unknown] Monday, 8:59am**

_I apologize that there was no coffee today. I ran out of time before leaving for the crime scene._

**[Unknown] Tuesday,** **7:20am**

_I've noticed that you sometimes park your car on Hank's parking spot despite having your own. Please cease that behavior._

**[Unknown] Tuesday,** **11:17am**

 _Take a look at this beautiful cat I just saw!_ [Image attached]

**[Unknown] Wednesday, 9:12pm**

_Hank bought Sumo a new squeaky toy and he's an adorable terror with it!_ [Video attached, 2:04min]

**[Unknown] Thursday, 7:45am**

_I like your dress shirt! It's nice to see you in more formal clothes._

**[Unknown] Friday, 8:34pm**

_Have a nice weekend Detective._

 

Connor talks as if they're friends and that's almost worse than his ruthless teasing. They're not friends; at best they're colleagues who had a fling. Nothing more and nothing less and no compliments nor coffee each morning can change that.

He hasn't replied once, because there's nothing to say. At least nothing he wants Connor to know. And for some reason the idea of responding again has him terrified.

Terrified that Connor might say something like he did the last time.

Calling him pretty.

If it had been anyone else he'd probably have laughed at that choice of word or maybe even hit whoever tried talking to him like that, yet reading it coming from Connor makes him want to believe that he _means_ it.

But Connor also has no idea what he's talking about, because he doesn't actually know Gavin. If he knew just what kind of emotions he is causing, then he'd surely back off. Gavin considers telling him just how much anger there is inside of him to scare him away, but then again he hasn't been particularly subtle about it. If the message hasn't gone through yet, it's hopeless.

So why does he keep hoping that Connor won't stop messaging or pushing him? He wants that thing they had again; wants that closeness and those soft words he'd said to him. Craves it.

Gavin begins seriously wondering where the fuck his life went so wrong that he feels this hung up on an _android_. Connor is nothing but metal, plastic, some blue liquid and a fancy processor.

Yet he seems more alive than Gavin feels most of the time.

What he does know for sure is that something has to change, because every day that passes makes it clearer that Connor intends on waiting for him to do _something._ He's just not so sure what that something is.

Gavin groans and buries himself underneath his blanket, wishing that time would just halt and he could stop existing for a while, comfortable and safe from any brown eyes, soft hands and beautiful androids.

 

*

 

When he wakes up on Monday morning, there is an idea on his mind.

 

*

 

"You're acting like a goddamn child. I thought this wasn't a big deal?"

Gavin knows that Tina is side-eyeing him as he makes his way through the aisles, trying to find that _something_ that he hopes will catch his eye and just have Connor written all over it. Yes, this is not a particularly good idea, but it's the only one he has and he's thankful that Tina is going along with this.

He probably would've bailed already if he was doing this on his own.

He's always been pretty bad at choosing gifts and always hated giving them. Perhaps he's a bit too cynical but there's never been someone he wanted to give a thoughtful present to just because he wanted to make them feel good. Over the years the practice has been nothing but a chore and it's difficult enough for other people, though for Connor it's even worse. Gavin's aware that he does seem to have preferences and tastes, though he also can't even pretend to have Connor figured out in the slightest.

Almost everyone in the office has given a little something for his desk by now. Okay, so maybe he thought it was irritating before, but that was a month ago. Besides, this isn't supposed to be just a meaningless trinket.

It has purpose.

"He sent me pictures of his dog."

He says it as if that explains why they're spending their break doing this. And he also fails to mention the other image he got; the one of himself. That's none of Tinas business. Most of the time he tries to forget that one and sometimes he comes close, at least until he accidentally sees it again while scrolling through his camera roll.

He considered deleting it far too many times but for some reason he can't bring himself to get rid of it definitively.

"Well, he always sends pictures of Sumo into the group chat. That's just Connor."

"There's a group chat?"

_And Connor is part of it?_

"Yes, the same one that you unironically called 'cringe' when we asked you to join."

Tina sounds resentful at the memory and he can't blame her. He doesn't remember that incident but it sounds a lot like him so he believes her without questioning it. Still, there's something heavy pressing on his chest at the thought that he's not that special for receiving texts from Connor.

Of course he already suspected that, but the confirmation still gnaws at his mind. Perhaps he liked pretending for a while a bit too much.

"Anyway, it's not a big deal at all...I guess I'm just trying to do something nice for once."

And maybe it's also because sometimes he lies awake at night, hearing Tina's voice inside of his head echoing until it gets warped and ugly and he has to get up before its coldness threatens to choke him entirely.

_Connor deserves far better._

Out of the corner of his eyes he can see his friend raising her eyebrows at him, unbelieving. Like he's not already aware that the word 'nice' and him don't go together. Fuck, she's really pushing all of his buttons today and she probably doesn't even mean to.

"A plant, maybe? He has a few of those and he adores them."

"Yes but that's exactly the problem; he's got plenty of them. And I don't want to witness him crying when those inevitably wither. That'd be just annoying."

Tina sighs, clearly exasperated at this ordeal, though she doesn't openly complain. Maybe he should feel guilty for dragging her along, but he can't think about that when his brain is already completely capacitated with scanning each shelf they come across.

It's all dumb kitsch, but not dumb in a Connor way.

"Gavin, you're a mess. Do you really think it's a good idea to sleep with him when you've been like this for weeks and you two don't even talk to each other?"

"We had sex one time! It's not a regular thing and there's nothing to talk about."

"Uh huh."

But she's right. Of course she's right. Because he's not facing his problems and he can't figure out anything. Just like right now. Frustrated he turns into the same aisle he's been to twice now, staring all the little gifts and trinkets there down as if his troubles were somehow their fault.

He's making a fool of himself again.

"Whatever, this was a stupid idea. Let's go."

Tina appears genuinely concerned but nods, before a devious smirk spreads on her face. That never bodes well.

"Hey, there's a new Thai restaurant down the block and you wasted most of my break with this. You kinda owe me one, don't you think?"

He scoffs, though he probably does owe her. Maybe not because of this, but for a lot of things. She sticks with his terrible moods and his constantly changing opinions; something that he can't say about anyone besides her. Which is of course his own fault, even though that doesn't stop him from feeling sorry for himself.

But sometimes the universe gives him a small mercy every now and then.

They're almost out of the store, when he spots it. It's just because he throws one last glance at the shelves, already halfway out of the door. Yet there it is, the one thing that immediately jumps out to him, hidden behind several other bullshit trinkets. For some reason that makes him even more certain that - yes; this is the right one.

He knows Tina can see his goofy smile as he pays for it and he's just as puzzled as she is by it.

 

*

 

**[Unknown] Monday, 2:34pm**

_I saw you arrive with Officer Chen. She told me that the two of you are good friends._

**[Unknown] Tuesday, 8:48pm**

_Sumo has learned a new trick and can now perform a high five! Hank told me he couldn't be trained because he's old, but we did it._ [Video attached, 0:21min]

**[Unknown] Wednesday, 1:08pm**

_Yelling at the coffee machine won't make it suddenly gain consciousness. That is not how this works._

 

*

 

It takes him three days to talk himself into actually giving Connor the gift. Until then it sits on his kitchen counter, like an accusation. Perhaps it's mocking him and his cowardice.

It's just a present and shouldn't be that big of a deal, right? But it is, because he's never done anything like this for Connor before and he already knows that it'll change _something_ no matter how small.

When he finally puts it into his bag the fact that it's out of his line of sight feels like a relief, though that only lasts until he remembers he actually has to go through with giving it to Connor now.

He comes in extra early on Thursday - he's pretty sure Fowler does a double take from his office at his punctuality - just so he won't have to approach Connor personally and get involved in any kind of awkward conversation. The sooner he can forget about this, the better.

Making sure that nobody sees him, he puts it down on Connors desk. It's not wrapped because that'd mean he put too much effort into it and he doesn't want to give off that impression. Nobody besides Tina has to know how long he spent looking for this.

The gift is a bright blue mug that has several cartoon dogs in different hats printed all over it. It's stupid and infuriatingly charming, exactly like Connor.

Next to it he lays a note reading 'only Thirium 310'.

He tells himself it's a joke mocking the android, but there's also a part of him that wants Connor to know that he's learning. Though he quickly dismisses that thought, because Gavin really doesn't like the revelation that apparently he's now seeking affirmation from him.

Hurriedly he gets back to his desk and the ten minutes in between then and Connor arriving to work with Hank in tow feel like an eternity. It's just a simple present. So why are his palms so sweaty?

The two of them are talking lively with each other; Connor says something and Hank laughs and for some reason that makes Gavins insides twist up uncomfortably, making bile rise up in his throat.

This type of interaction seems so unattainable to him. Connor and him are not made for this and being like that with each other would bring so many complications that he's not equipped to deal with. Yet the thought that someone like Hank has this connection to him makes something ugly worm at Gavins brain.

Maybe he's unfair on Anderson, but it's much easier to just resent him rather than to confront the question of why he feels like this.

Connor spots him and looks surprised as Gavin is never this early before he waves a hello. Gavin isn't prepared for that so he awkwardly raises his hand. For some reason his brain malfunctions at once and instead of a proper wave he just weirdly wiggles his fingers.

Fuck, what's wrong with him? He's such a moron sometimes and Connor brings out the worst in him.

He kind of wants to get up and sprint towards his desk to snatch the present away before he can see it because this was a terrible idea. That urge get's even worse when Connor seems to finally spot it.

For a moment Gavins heart kind of stops, as Connor takes the mug and lifts it, inspecting it. When he puts it down again he looks around the room, searching. Shit, he didn't think of that. Of course Connor wouldn't expect Gavin to give him any gift. He knows it's entirely out of character for him.

But then Connors eyes meet his.

A smile spreads on his lips in recognition and it looks like his whole face brightens up until it's practically glowing. Gavin has never seen him this genuinely excited by something he did.

Except for maybe back when they first kissed.

Quickly he averts his gaze. His face feels hot and uncomfortable and he wants to let his head fall to his desk repeatedly until he can stop thinking about this.

But it's finally done. And now it's Connors turn again.

...That's how they're playing this, right?

 

*

 

An hour later Gavin manages to actually focus on work for once. He doesn't even steal glances towards Connors place anymore - okay, maybe he does, but only every once in a while.

So when someone unexpectedly puts down a cup of coffee on his desk, he flinches in surprise. He knows exactly who that someone is, of course he does, he just didn't see him coming. How does he move so light-footedly?

"I really don't have time for-"

He spins around with his chair and there he is. Connor towers above him, a smirk on his lips; one of those that makes every word die unsaid in Gavins throat.

His mouth feels dry all of a sudden.

"I apologize; I was preoccupied this morning. I hope the coffee is to your liking."

With that he pushes the cup further towards Gavin on his desk, like a silent invitation. This is one of his tests again, right? He's trying to accomplish something; to see how he's going to react.

Gavin stares at him, but Connor remains, waiting for him to move. It feels like a battle, though Gavin isn't entirely sure why or for what they're fighting.

There is no way that he desires another scenario like a few weeks ago, when he childishly threw the coffee away. But he also can't just take it. Or can he? Why are they even playing this game? Shit, it's so hard to concentrate with Connor around.

He wants him to go away, so he can focus again. On anything other than the fact that Connor is standing so close to him that he can even smell him. And he smells _good_. He didn't smell like anything in particular a month ago; he'd remember that.

But now he's here, definitely wearing some type of fancy aftershave. Why the hell would an android do that?

For a moment Gavin feels dizzy as he realizes how easy it'd be to grab his suit jacket and pull him down into a kiss from his position. It'd be even easier if Connor had his tie on, but he doesn't wear one today which is kind of unusual. And now he remembers the sensation, those soft lips against his. Wants it again.

It's been too long.

He doesn't think about it as he grabs the coffee and pulls it towards himself in an effort to do something with his fidgety hands. And of course that makes Connors smile even wider.

"...whatever. You want something?"

The smile doesn't falter for one second at Gavins dismissive attitude, and it's definitely not enough to discourage Connor. Instead he looks...smug. Why is he so persistent? None of this would be happening if he had even the tiniest bit of common sense. Then again, neither does Gavin.

Maybe they are a good fit after all.

"I need something from the last case you were working on. The woman with Thirium in her bloodstream? We've hit a few dead-ends in our own investigation and I figured you might still have some of the reports. There has to be something we're overlooking."

"Mmh."

Very intelligent.

But Gavin is too distracted by the fact that Connor has left the top button of his shirt unbuttoned. He never does that. It looks far too attractive, especially because now he can clearly see his Adams apple moving as he speaks. They really thought of everything, huh?

His mind betrays him as he can't take his eyes off Connors neck and now he's thinking about scattering kisses all over it, sucking hickeys into his skin. Would he even bruise? He vaguely remembers Connor talking about his fast wound regeneration. That'd be too bad, because he'd look amazing marked like-

"Detective Reed?"

"Huh?"

Shit, he needs to answer, doesn't he? At least Connor seems amused. He's probably scanning him and knows exactly what Gavin's thinking about. Shit, of course he does. Connor knew how he felt about him even before he did himself.

It's creepy.

"May I take a look at your files?"

"Yeah, sure, knock yourself out."

Gavin tries to tell himself that it doesn't matter if he behaves like a fucking idiot, because Connor already knows what he's doing to him. It doesn't help him feel much better though.

He turns his chair around again so he faces his computer and it's a relief as he finally has an excuse not to look at Connor anymore.

"So what exactly do you need, Robocop?"

The problem between them is that Gavin keeps underestimating Connor, so he in turn keeps catching him completely unprepared time and time again.

And of course it's not any different today either as he suddenly feels warm, lifelike breath on his neck and an arm reaching around him to touch his computer. Connor removes the skin of his hand and interfaces with it. There is no need for him to reach around him at all and there is absolutely no need for him to be this close to Gavin like that.

Yet he still does this, completely deliberate.

Gavin can't help himself from staring at where Connors hand is connecting to the screen. He's seen androids without their skin before, but not Connor specifically. The white of his casing is so pristine and unnatural that it looks unnerving. And yet he finds himself strangely wanting to touch it, wondering whether it'd feel different touching his hands like that compared to with his skin on.

It's weird how the thought doesn't bother him in the slightest. Shouldn't he feel revulsion? Something is happening on his screen, but he doesn't pay attention to it.

It's Connors voice in a whisper right next to his ear that catches him completely unprepared.

"I must admit that I had almost given up waiting for a sign of your reciprocation."

There is no chance that he doesn't notice the way Gavin shivers at the sound. He almost wants to lean into it, until he remembers that they're not only in the office but also in plain view of everyone.

There's a weird thought following that realization; and it's that these moments between them don't belong to anyone but them and he hates the thought of someone being a witness.

"Impatience is a new feeling for me and I have to admit that I long to see the end of this game. If you want to, we could..."

Connor doesn't finish his sentence. Or maybe Gavin simply doesn't hear it because his brain shuts down as he feels lips press a soft kiss to his earlobe. It's so delicate and affectionate that Gavin can feel his heart skipping not only one but several beats at once.

But then there's something else. Instead of lips, there's teeth. It's just for a moment, though it's enough.

Apparently Connor is actually _insane_.

The unexpected sensation coupled with his words go straight to his dick and Gavin has to consciously restrain himself from not making any sound. His first thought is to smack Connor and the next is that he wants to bend him right over his desk until he stops being so terribly cocky.

As soon as his brain catches up with him, he violently jerks his head away and quickly looks around to make sure nobody's watching them. It doesn't appear so and even if somebody were to throw a glance towards them, Connors frame would mostly shield them from view. That doesn't stop him from feeling his entire body thrumming in a mixture of paranoia and arousal.

Gavins sudden movement makes the android pull back, but he soon catches himself and chuckles.

For some reason that's even more infuriating. Gavin needs his mind clear, needs Connor gone. He curls his hands into fists as he tries to keep himself from doing something stupidly impulsive, like swinging at him. Or grabbing him and kissing him senseless.

"I'm busy, tin can."

Gavin manages to make his voice sound firm, but it doesn't have the punch that he wants it to have.

Even though he's not looking at him, he can hear Connors smirk in his voice and yeah, that's not helping either his anger or his mind running wild with inappropriate thoughts.

"Of course, I'll leave you to your work. Enjoy your coffee, Detective."

There's a hand on his shoulder - no white plastic anymore and instead mock-human skin again - squeezing it tightly before leaving. When did he give him permission to just touch him like that? He's always acting like he knows exactly what Gavin wants.

It's maddening that he does. He wants to give in as much as he wants to resist it, the two parts of him in a constant battle denying him the right words.

With a groan Gavin tries to return to work, hoping that he can just tune out everything around him for the rest of the day, but that hope is futile. His brain is completely useless whenever he interacts with Connor.

His fingers rest on the keyboard and he stares at the computer screen, but his mind is drawing a blank at what to do. What was he supposed to be working on anyway? Out of the corner of his eye he can see Connor throwing glances his way and that's not helping at all.

He never thought that it would be Captain Fowler of all people who'd save him, as that all-too-familiar voice suddenly booms throughout the department.

"Detective Reed, in my office!"

In that moment he doesn't even care what this is about, but it gives him the perfect excuse to escape. Quickly he gets up and is about to leave his desk, when he realizes that he grabbed the coffee on instinct.

Fuck it.

He knows that Connor is smiling again - wide and genuine - as Gavin takes the cup with him.

 

*

 

Captain Fowler leans back against his desk and with his arms crossed in front of his chest he musters Gavin as he enters the office.

"Close the door."

This seems serious and Gavin doesn't like it. He complies and mentally prepares himself to just shut down his brain for the next few minutes of inevitable yelling he's going to get. Fuck, he doesn't even know what he messed up this time, though he seldom does.

For a short moment his heart skips a beat as he wonders if this is about Connor. But no, there's no way, because how would the Captain know about that? Shit, that'd be bad. They got a lecture about office "romance" and if this was to get out he'd get reprimanded for sure. Not to mention humiliated.

He shifts uncomfortably in his place, waiting for an explanation.

What he doesn't expect is for Fowler to address him calmly and with a serious tone to his voice. He still has that disapproving look he always has, but that's just part of his hard-ass persona he needs as Captain.

"There's been concerns raised by several members of the staff over your behavior in recent times. More than one person has expressed that they believe you're unstable."

Immediately Gavins fight or flight instinct kicks in and he almost spills coffee everywhere as he crosses his arms in front of himself hastily, mirroring the Captain's stance.

Defensive.

"Frankly I don't give a fuck what they think, because I've been doing just fine. Would be doing better if I could finally get out of here and-"

His irreverence is enough to make Fowler lose the calmness, though he doesn't sound any less serious.

"That's great, but I do happen to _give a fuck_. And don't think I forgot about the Christmas party either, because I absolutely haven't and I won't accept you freaking out even more. That kind of behavior inevitably falls back on me and I have a dozen talented individuals who aren't as much of a liability waiting for your position."

Fowler scowls and Gavin immediately mirrors that as well. His fight instinct has always been stronger than the flight one so he can't help the anger that's pushing hot and unpleasantly at his mind. Is the Captain threatening him?

Because it sure does sound like it.

"Then stop wasting my time and put me back on a case! Give me something worthwhile to do, instead of making me sit around on my ass all day! This is bullshit and you know it!"

He leans forward and fixates Gavin with barely contained annoyance in his eyes.

"I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear any of that, for your own sake. This conversation is a polite warning and I sincerely hope this is the last time we have to talk about this. I'm not your enemy if you don't make me and I'm also not interested in the hassle of a psychological re-evaluation, though I'll consider it if you don't pull yourself together soon."

Gavin can't help but stare. What the fuck? _Psychological re-evaluation_ , like he's fucking crazy or something? Sure, he's got anger issues and probably some other things as well, but that's normal in their line of work.

Fowler sighs and relaxes somewhat, though he seems even unhappier now than before.

"Lucky for you I'm getting tired of seeing you sulk around the office. You're going to head out again with Detective Collins starting next week, but if I hear anything more of this, I won't be as understanding."

Gavin bites his lip to not say anything stupid right now. This is the Captain giving him an olive branch and even if he still wants to continue screaming at him, he also wants to keep his job.

It's something. At least he'll be out of here for a while, unless they take this out of his hands as well. That'd just be his kind of luck.

When he returns to his working space, his hands are shaking; so he grabs his cigarettes and flees.

Before he can go, Tina makes eye contact with him and gets up to follow as he passes her desk. But he needs to be alone and the fact that she can't read his mind like that makes unreasonable anger bubble up fast in his chest, so he scowls and hisses at her _to stay the fuck away from him_.

Shit, why did he do that? He's not mad at her, he's mad at the Captain.  Or at Connor. No, he's not mad at either of them. He's mad at himself.

But he feels like he needs to get out of here before he suffocates and she just happens to approach him, so she gets the brunt of it. It's unfair and he doesn't know how to explain himself either, so he fucks off while pretending that he doesn't see the hurt on her face.

He'll apologize later, hoping that today won't be the day her patience finally runs out.

It's only when he's outside that he realizes he's still holding the coffee. His first instinct is to throw it away, but for some reason he can't get himself to do that. Not again.

No one is watching and he's alone anyway. He might as well...

Gavin takes a cautious sip and though the coffee is cold it still tastes _great_ somehow. How the hell is that possible?

Connor prepares this for him every morning without fail. There's a voice growing in volume inside of him wondering why he's so adamant about not drinking it, because truth be told he doesn't know. He doesn't understand any of his own actions.

For some reason the coffee feels oddly comforting right now and after a few more sips he feels the restlessness inside of him calm down somewhat. Or maybe it's the fact that he can finally breathe again, not confined in there with all of his problems.

 _Psychological re-evaluation_ , what a fucking joke.

But if any of this tells him anything, it's that he needs to get his shit together.

Fast.

 

*

 

Work drags on forever, but Gavin pulls through with the thought that starting next week he'll finally have something worthwhile to do; just in time. His smoke breaks have been adding up lately and he has no interest in riling up the Captain with that as well. It'd be better to get out for a while and out of his sight.

Almost two month ago he managed to quit and now his consume is higher than ever before. Currently he's going through one pack a day at least. Another problem he'll try to pretend doesn't exist.

The first thing he does when he gets home is lay down on his couch and he swears that he's going to get up to do something productive like cleaning or laundry, but he already knows that he's lying to himself and he won't get up again anytime soon. So he just lies there and scrolls through his phone. However none of his social media accounts can distract him from the fact that he feels like shit.

He really needs to text Tina and apologize. She didn't deserve that outburst earlier and it's better to get it over with sooner rather than later.

He erases and retypes the message several times before sending.

 

**Sent Today, 10:30pm**

_hey i'm sorry about today. i'm kinda out of it and didnt mean to take it out on you_

 

It's the best he can put it right now. The's two answers coming in fast and he's pretty sure that she's been waiting for this.

Fuck, he feels guilty about that.

 

**[Tina] Today, 10:31pm**

_youre an asshole but what else is new. better be glad i know u well enough to tell that ur doing rly badly atm or id be srsly pissed off_

**[Tina] Today, 10:32pm**

_saw u talking to the captain and neither of u looked happy abt it_

 

Gavin throws his head against the back of his couch with an annoyed groan. She's right and he's trying to fix a mess that is his own doing once again. His temper used to be much less of a problem. Or maybe he just used to have less people that he doesn't want to hurt. Tina is the first.

At least she's still talking to him. That's a good sign.

Before he can reconsider, he decides to be honest with her. She already knows more than anyone else and as much as he loathes to admit it he really needs someone to talk to.

 

**Sent Today, 10:33pm**

_apparently someone was snitching that im feeling stressed. got off with a finger-wagging but im pissed_

**[Tina] Today, 10:34pm**

_youve been on edge lately more so than usual. cant say we havent noticed so no wonder the captain did_

**Sent Today, 10:34pm**

_yeah i know. i'm aware that it's a poor excuse but this situation is really messing with me_

**[Tina] Today, 10:35pm**

_w/ connor? still the same ?_

**Sent Today, 10:37pm**

_yeah. i keep trying to get him out of my system but then he is the way he is. i just dont know what to do abt it_

**[Tina] Today, 10:39pm**

_gav... just talk to him its not that hard!!! get ur shit together srsly!! did u ever consider how he feels abt this? bc u really should ask him_

He wishes it was as easy as she makes it out to be. But he can't just text Connor and ask him to talk. They barely even talk in person and when they do, it usually either turns violent or sexual, like there is no in between with them.

Truth be told, he really doesn't know how to talk to Connor like a normal person because he barely knows how to talk to other human beings either.

His phone buzzes again.

 

**[Tina] Today, 10:42pm**

_anyway me and a few of the other officers wanna go for drinks tomorrow. u wanna come?_

**Sent Today, 10:42pm**

_sure why not_

 

He can't lie and say he doesn't feel relieved when she goes back to normal like nothing's happened. So she's not holding a grudge about today, which is more than he dared to hope for. Tina may be fast to blow up in the heat of the moment but she has the patience of a saint in the long run.

And this might just be the perfect opportunity to distract himself for once. To get Connor out of his mind and spend some time feeling somewhat normal again with other people.

It's long overdue. Especially after today.

Just then his phone buzzes once more and he expects it to be Tina again, so he's already opened the message before he thinks about it.

...But it's not Tina.

 

**[Unknown] Today, 10:45pm**

_I didn't properly thank you for the mug. I love it! And I wanted to show my appreciation._

 

That's just what he needed, even more Connor to end the day. As if he's not occupying enough space on his mind already.

Gavin half expected him to throw the present away at the earliest opportunity. Did Connor actually appreciate it? That's what he wanted to achieve, right?

So why does the thought make him feel _nervous_ of all things?

There's a photo attached and Gavin doesn't think too much of it as he taps on it, expecting another picture of Sumo. That's most of what Connor's has been sending him after all.

The picture opens and it's not Sumo.

It's Connor.

He appears to be in a bathroom staring into a mirror and there's no camera; just him looking at his own reflection, in an oversized sweater. It's weird, to see him in clothes that aren't formal or professional in anyway. There's a sink in the way, but it looks like he's not wearing pants either. His hands are playing with the hem of the sweater, pulling it down to his upper thighs, like he's not entirely confident with this, despite the weirdly challenging look on his face.

The picture is so odd and unexpected that the one thing Gavin should've noticed immediately is the last thing he actually sees.

He knows that sweater.

...it's his.

In fact he remembers it vividly because it had been a gift from an ex-boyfriend years ago that had always been far too big on him, so he wore it a few times at home and then just stuffed it into his closet.

Gavin feels light-headed and his heart is hammering wild and fast in his chest.  What the fuck?

_What the fuck?_

This has to be a joke right?  How the hell did Connor get this? _And when?_

He's not sure how he's supposed to react, but it's right in that moment that he feels the last bit of his sanity leave his mind, so he throws his head back and laughs; loud and bellowing. It fills the emptiness in his apartment and for a moment he genuinely forgets to be miserable.

When he stops laughing like a maniac he unlocks his phone again with noticeably shaking hands. There's another message waiting for him that explains everything and nothing.

 

**[Unknown] Today, 10:46pm**

_I apologize for taking your clothes without your permission. I wasn't sure whether you even noticed and found myself selfish enough to keep it._

 

Gavin knows that everything about this is calculated. Connor wants a reaction out of him and is trying to push his buttons in any kind of way; succeeding as always. Just how he knows exactly what to do to make Gavins head spin from frustration every single time they interact.

Because how is he supposed to react to Connor sending him a picture like that? What's he supposed to fucking do about that?!

Even when he's alone in his apartment he has no control over this situation whatsoever, it's all Connor, Connor, _Connor_.

It's just all too much, Connor and his elegant hands, his beautiful lips, the way he whispered into his ear this morning. Those teeth on his skin; the memory of Connors breath on his neck still making him shiver.

And now wearing Gavins clothes.

He can't help himself but want those hands on him again, wants them touching him gently; the way Connor did before. So affectionate that it makes him both want to cry from pleasure and revulsion.

_You looked really pretty._

Gavin turns off his phone as quickly as he can so he can pretend that none of this is real.

Only his violently beating heart is providing proof.

 

                                                                                                   *                        

 

Connor isn't at work on Friday. Neither is Hank, but that isn't a surprise because they're apparently joined at the hip.

It makes the day manageable, because this way he doesn't have to confront Connor about what happened yesterday. He does turn his phone on again but avoids going anywhere near their chat log even when he sees that there are messages; there's no way he can deal with that at the moment.

Not seeing them for the day gives him a break to feel somewhat normal again. A throwback to how his life was before all of this shit happened.

And still he catches himself missing that coffee on his desk.

 

*

 

As soon as Gavin steps out of the taxi, he spots Tina standing in front of the entrance of the bar, a cigarette in her hand. When she sees him she waves at him to come closer.

Next to her are two people, chatting with her lively but stopping as soon as they see him get closer. One is a small woman in a sleek coat with short brown hair and freckles. The other one a relatively unassuming yet friendly looking man wearing a cap and hoodie. Gavin vaguely recalls seeing both of them around the precinct, but he's terrible at remembering names that he doesn't care about.

Shit, he was kind of hoping to get Tina alone before they mingle, but there's nothing to be done about that now. So he tries his best to not make a bad first impression right away; though if these two are working at the station, they've probably heard about him and his temper already.

"Hey, Gav!", Tina greets him and gives him a quick hug, which is unexpected yet not unwelcome.

"Have you met Marina and Ivan?"

The woman - Marina - reaches out her hand and he takes it. Her grip is surprisingly strong and her smile wide and genuine.

"No, we haven't met, but Tina told us about you. It's nice to meet you, Detective."

Huh, that is weird. He's pretty certain that he knows her face and while he's bad at names, he's really good at recalling faces.

Ivan just waves and seems hesitant to come too close to Gavin. And that's strange as well, because he seems almost...anxious. It's not his problem though if this guy has issues.

There's something off about all of this, even if he can't quite put his finger on it. But he's here to just hang out with some people and relax, so he tries to push it down for now, though his intuition is rarely wrong and this situation bothers him.

Tina takes one last drag from her cigarette, then stubs it out against the wall of the bar.

"The other's are already inside. Let's go."

The four of them enter the bar and the interior looks run-down and the whole place kind of shady. Why they chose to go here of all places is beyond Gavin. There's a dozen other ones he can name off the top of his head that wouldn't seem this seedy, yet they go here? Surprisingly there's quite a few people inside and the entire room is filled with quiet conversations, melting together into background noise.

Tina leads them with confidence to a table at the back where a group of people has already gathered and is talking with each other lively.

Gavin stops in his tracks as soon as he recognizes the voices.

"...Officer Chen! Hello!"

Why the fuck didn't Tina tell him that _Connor_ would be here?

The group stops their conversation and stand up to greet the newcomers, though Gavin stays behind as he watches the procedure from a safe distance.

In that moment he recognizes the other three people. There's Chris talking lively to Officer Person who Gavin barely knows anything about besides her name and he should've guessed that Anderson would be here as well.

He is standing up to shake Tina's hand, looking barely recognizable. His hair is tied up neatly into a ponytail and he's dressed up for once, wearing a dress shirt and did he trim his beard? Those changes seem recent. The last time they saw each other was just two days ago.

Living with Connor appears to be doing amazing for his general well-being.

Gavin feels sick.

Why did they invite him to this?

There's a strong urge to just turn around and run away to escape the confrontation. But that'd probably look worse and besides that he feels frozen in place as he watches the others shake hands and hug, before they settle down together. He doesn't know what to do, so he's just staring, unable to will his body into moving.

And then Connor finally looks up from the others and their eyes meet.

"Detective Reed, it's good to see you!"

He frees himself from the table and is coming towards him.

Gavin feels his palms getting sweaty and he wants nothing more but to turn around and leave, but then Connor is already in front of him, his hand stretched out as if he wants him to shake it. They don't break eye contact and Connor has a tiny smile on his lips, as he's watching him for a reaction. 

No way.

He does the next best thing to running away and without a word he ignores Connors hand to push past him.

Maybe he sees disappointment on his face. Or maybe he just wants it to be there.

He wants to sit down, but of course the only seat that's still unoccupied is next to Chris. And Chris sits right next to Connors seat. Gavin curses silently and just hopes that this evening will pass as quickly as possible. If the others notice his behavior, they don't comment on it.

Connor sits down with them again and that smile is still there, as if nothing has happened and somehow that thought pokes at Gavin; makes him feel irritated. Shit, this was supposed to be his night off to relax and now it's...this.

"Alright, I'm getting drinks, what does everyone else want?"

It's Marina who offers and Gavin doesn't listen to most of their orders as he silently wonders why the hell Connor is here if he can't even drink anything. That's just a waste of time. Why couldn't he have stayed home?

But now his entire attention is focused on Connor and Gavin watches as he settles down next to Hank, then leans over and whispers something to him that makes the other man chuckle.

When was the last time he saw Hank genuinely smile? That must've been before he even got promoted to the rank of Lieutenant. Not that the two of them were ever that close, but Hank did teach him a lot during Gavins first few years at the precinct. The person back then and the person now are two entirely different entities in his mind.

He kind of wants to slip underneath the table and hide away, so he doesn't have to see this anymore.

And then, just for one moment Connor lays down his head on Hank's shoulder; affectionate and familiar.

Something angry flares up hot and uncontrollably inside of him.

"Hey Anderson, you really think it's a great idea to hang around in a bar? Y'know, with your...problems."

The words are out without him having any control over them, because his brain does not have a direct connection to his mouth. He just feels bitter and wants to take a stab at Hank; anything to knock him down a few pegs in front of his subordinates. It's a decisively bad idea.

Hank frowns and glares at him, all smiling gone in an instant.

"You really want to do this in front of an audience, Reed? Because sure, let's have it, I've got a lot to say."

Everyone is paying attention to them now and this is far more awkward than Gavin wanted it to be. The air feels charged and he can see that Connor lays a hand on Hank's arm, as if to calm him.

Fuck, Gavin wants that to be him; he wants it so badly that it just pisses him off even more.

Before things can escalate even further the situation is disrupted as Marina returns with a few of their drinks; balancing them as best as she can in her hands. Gavin leans back in his chair, relieved for the distraction saving him face and poignantly tries not to look in Hank's direction again, focusing on Marina instead. He could really use a drink now, more than ever. To his wonder she doesn't spill even one drop as she serves each one of them their correct order.

A beer each for him and Tina, Chris get's a White Russian, Hank a whiskey and Officer Person a Cuba Libre. As soon as she sets them down conversation starts up between everyone else and Gavin is glad for it because it means that they don't pay attention to him anymore. Even Connor seems to relax again.

Marina makes a second run for it and when she returns, she's holding three glasses of blue liquid and gives one of them to Ivan, one to Connor and she keeps the last one, before she settles down at the table amongst them.

"Alright everyone, first round is on me but everything after that is your own problem.", Tina announces but Gavin doesn't pay attention to her as he still stares at the glass that Connor is now taking a sip from.

That's...very weird.

What the hell is that stuff?

It's only when Connor stops in his motion and sets the glass down again, observing him curiously, that Gavin realizes he said that out loud.

"Thirium 310. I thought you were familiar with it?" There's humor in Connors voice and for some reason that makes his skin crawl.

Of course he knows about blue blood, what a dumb question, but why do-

Oh.

Gavin mentally berates himself for being so fucking stupid. Of course. That's why he's seen their faces before. To his credit neither of them are wearing their LED's and he's pretty sure that Marina altered the original hair cut of her model.

There's at least three or four Marinas and Ivans running around at the station. He always tried to treat them like nothing more than furniture. And now Ivans suspicion makes sense as well; he must've witnessed Gavins attitude towards his kind.

As if this evening wasn't fucked up enough, now he's here, drinking with not only one or two but three fucking androids. This is his own personal hell.

Gavin is the first to empty his glass.

 

*

 

Spending time with your coworkers drinking is just as terrible of an idea as it sounds. Gavin is just glad when he's feeling buzzed enough to at least not mind their conversations too much anymore.

He learns that Officer Person is the most boring woman he's ever met. Her name's Liz and she keeps a dog and that's about where her personality ends.

Marina is extremely talkative and extroverted and he can't stand those types of people. Ivan keeps trying to _subtly_ bring up the topic of android rights again and again while glaring at Gavin. He's starting to hate that guy in particular.

His head hurts and he wants to get away. Shit, why is he even staying here? Nothing's stopping him from getting up and leaving.

"-she agreed to see Damian every second weekend and that's been working out great so far. We think it's important that he-"

Gavin rolls his eyes to himself as he listens to Chris' divorce story for the umpteenth time. He likes Chris a lot, but he tends to overshare to everyone who wants to listen.

He doesn't participate in the conversations and instead watches, feeling more bitter with each passing minute. His mood is rapidly declining as he pretends to listen.

And if he only truly pays attention to Connor then that's no one's business.

Him and Hank are awfully affectionate with each other. Far too much; always somehow physically touching and talking fondly to each other. It's nauseating to watch and yet he can't take his eyes off them, afraid that if he doesn't pay attention _something_ might happen that...

Gavin doesn't truly know what he's worried about. And still, he feels like he wants to start another fight with Anderson. Why's he so pissed at him all of a sudden? And is Connor doing this on purpose?

There were rumors back at the station about Hanks _sudden change of heart_ as soon as Connor walked into the department. Sure, they were mostly trying to make a joke of him, but can Gavin truly rule anything out? There's nothing stopping Connor from seeing anyone besides him. They share a surname, an address and they're always together. Plus, it's not like him and Connor are a thing.

The thought makes him want to get black-out drunk.

Actually, that sounds like an amazing idea. And maybe Connor could take care of him again. It might be kind of humiliating but with a tired resignation he finds himself unable to care.

It's been over a month and a half since then and feels like an entirely different life. A life in which he and Connor never had sex and he's not thinking about him every minute of his fucking day. A life in which no android steals his clothes and brings him coffee.

His brain is starting to feel dizzy. It would've been better to stay home. He's at that point of intoxication where he's starting to feel that all-consuming loneliness creeping back in, so he probably shouldn't stop anytime soon. Fight fire with fire.

Shit, he just wants Connor again. In any way he can have him.

"What about you, Detective Reed?"

Gavin jumps in his skin as someone touches his arm and addresses him. What the hell? When he looks to his side he sees Marina smiling at him.

"Uh...what?"

He's not feeling up to this at all.

Just in that moment he feels someone kicking his leg hard. Surprised he hisses at the pain and he's ready to start yelling at whoever that was, until his eyes meet Tinas, who is glaring daggers at him. What the hell is her deal?

"Don't mind him, he's always this rude."

Marina giggles at Tinas words and that sound makes the annoyance get even worse. It's not helping that Connor leans on the table, watching him expectantly all of a sudden, that teasing smile he knows all too well on his lips.

"We were just talking about relationships."

Oh god, this isn't real is it?

Desperately Gavin grabs his glass and holds it in such a tight grip that he's almost sure it could break. He doesn't want his coworkers to know about his private matters. And he absolutely does not want to talk about this when Connor is here and looking at him like _that_.

"Uh huh."

"Ivan and I were under the impression that you and Officer Chen were dating."

Gavin doesn't know how to react.

First off, why do these two know so much about him that they could make guesses about his relationships? Creepy fucking androids. And second of all, this is none of their fucking business.

It's Chris that reacts first by throwing his head back and laughing.

"Shit, Gav and Tina? No way."

But apparently Tina doesn't notice his discomfort and Gavin feels just about ready to strangle her as she smirks.

"Hell no, I'm engaged and we're both gay anyway. Though, there was that one office party where we-"

"Oh my god, will you shut the fuck up!"

He didn't mean to yell it like that, but this is going too far. Tina flinches and seems genuinely surprised by his objections, but he doesn't fucking care about her comfort right now.

At least Hank seems just as uncomfortable as he feels right that moment and even Connor appears taken aback at the scene.

Sometimes he forgets that neither Tina nor Chris are even thirty yet. Still, it pisses him off that they're just talking about this in front of everyone.

"Continue this shit without me."

The words are mumbled as he gets up, not really hearing if anyone answers him as he leaves the table and heads in the direction of the bathroom.

Screw this.

 

*

 

The cold water on his face helps calm him down somewhat, but now that he's here alone he doesn't particularly feel like going back out. Perhaps he could make up an excuse for why he has to leave? Or just stay here for a while.

Mostly he doesn't want to face Tina again, because he knows that while she didn't have a right to just spill personal things like that, he shouldn't have yelled. This is the second time this week he blew up at her and he needs to get a grip.

And maybe a tiny part of him wishes that Connor would come looking for him again.

He doesn't know how long he's standing there, just hunched over the sink when he hears somebody turn the knob. The bathroom door swings open and when it closes again, Gavin can hear a soft click as the lock is engaged.

Of course he'd follow. Gavin should've never had any doubt in his mind; Connor never misses an opportunity to corner him. And sure enough his heart starts beating from both excitement and anxiety in his chest.

He looks up and can see him behind himself in the mirror; a concerned expression on his face and standing next to the door with his arms crossed behind his back. Gavins only escape. Not that he's planning to run away, quite the opposite, but now he's trapped in here with Connor.

It doesn't distress him, but it certainly makes him feel _something_.

"Was this outburst truly directed at Officer Chen, or rather at me?"

Whatever Gavin expected him to say, this isn't it. He feels stripped bare once again, all of him open for Connor to read while he's a puzzle to Gavin that doesn't seem to have enough parts to show a coherent picture.

What's it about Connor that makes him say just the right things to break through all of Gavins walls at once?

He huffs in response. Connor already knows the answer.

But instead of continuing to take another dig at him, he stays silent and crosses the small distance between them in just two steps. Moments later there's arms wrapping around Gavins waist and a body leaning warm and heavy against his back.

What?

A panicked feeling rises inside of him, making him feel unable to breathe properly. It's a far too intimate gesture just out of the blue like that. He wants to savor it, but at the same time he feels so completely unprepared for it that he feels more than just vulnerable. Like an open wound.

When Connor speaks again, it's mumbled against his neck and Gavins grip on the sink tightens so he can keep himself upright. His legs feel far too unstable and everything is kind of spinning.

Haven't they been here before?

"You never replied to my picture."

There's lips at his neck, placing kisses there and how is he supposed to think of an actual response that's not just him yelling at Connor to _please, please, please let's just skip all of this and finally get to the part we both long for_. It's difficult and he feels more buzzed than before, making his thoughts even harder to grasp.

"...I just gave you a mug. People don't usually send suggestive pics for shit like that."

"It wasn't just because of the present. I thought you'd be able to see that."

Those words don't make any sense to Gavins clouded brain and he doesn't have a proper reply. This wasn't only about the gift? What else is there? And why does he keep teasing him if he so clearly doesn't need someone like Gavin in his life? He feels like a child getting upset at this, but he can't get the idea out of his mind that there's nothing steady at all between them. They're not even having a proper affair.

When his mouth forms the word there's more bitterness behind them than he intends.

"You need to get higher standards if this is how easy you are."

Silence falls between them as Connors lips stop moving and he rests his head on Gavins shoulder, looking at him through the mirror with a curios expression.

Why can't Connor ever lose his temper? The way he did back in that interrogation room. If he could just hate Gavin as much as he pretends to hate Connor all of this could be so much easier.

Gavin feels irritation creep up inside of him, so he scoffs and tries to get him to say something; anything. And if it takes provocations then so be it. He wants this, the fight. At least he thinks he does. Connor's been messing with him for the past few days and especially after the display earlier he's charged; needs to release this somehow.

It's still not enough to make him want to escape the embrace though, making it hard to pretend he has even a sliver of control over his emotions. Or understanding thereof.

"What, you're not gonna defend yourself? That's disappointing."

But there it is again, that smirk. It's maddening.

"Oh, I was supposed to defend myself? I didn't realize I needed to justify myself to a man who got aroused from punching me."

Gavin feels his entire body freeze up at once and he knows that there's genuine terror showing on his face that he can't quite control in his current state. Fuck, Connor noticed? He was aware even back then? How long as this game between them been going on without him realizing? Plus, this has horrible implications that he truly doesn't have the mind to think about.

Yet when Connor notices, he simply tightens the embrace and let's his head rest against Gavins.

" I thought that by now you'd have understood that I don't mind what's in the past. All I want is for you to take me home with you."

And then he adds something in a voice so quiet that Gavin can barely hear it; making him doubt it was intended for his ears at all.

"... _Please_."

 

*

 

It's weird that it takes them until February to have sex again.

And yet the moment he lets Connor inside of his apartment, it doesn't feel like a day has passed. As if that terrible back and forth between them was nothing but a bad dream and this is him waking up for the first time in forever.

It doesn't feel as rushed this time; they don't immediately get to his bedroom. Instead Gavin takes off his coat and then gets himself something to drink from the cabinet in his living room while the android is watching his every move. They just left the bar without saying a word to anyone and he doesn't want to think about what impression that gave. In fact, Gavin doesn't want to think about anything at all, because he can still feel irritation eating at him.

He wants to shake those unreasonable thoughts he had all evening, but now that they're here and he can be certain that Connor still wants to do this it's somehow even more persistent. He downs his drink and it doesn't help much to improve his mood, but he needs to stop drinking now or nothing is going to happen between them anyway.

It's a strange visual to see Connor just standing in the middle of his living room. As if he both belongs there and doesn't at the same time.

"Gavin, may I ask you something?"

It always catches his attention when he hears Connor calling him by his first name. Gavin likes it a lot though, because he says it just right. Like it's the way it's supposed to sound.

He nods at him to continue.

"At first I thought it was the picture that upset you, but there was something else. Am I correct?"

"Why do you even ask? Thought you got me figured out and shit."

Connor tilts his head to the side in question. He does that sometimes and it's annoyingly _cute_.

"You display your feelings openly on your face and I can draw conclusions, but I am not a mind reader."

Gavin huffs, then crosses the distance between them until he's standing right in front of Connor. He wants it to appear intimidating, but judging by Connor's lack of response it misses the mark by a mile.

 What's he supposed to answer to this anyway? And why does he get the feeling that this is another game?

"This doesn't concern you."

There's amusement in Connors eyes as he raises his eyebrows at the insult.

"I've got the impression it very much does. Or am I supposed to believe that Lieutenant Anderson is the focus of your jealousy?"

Gavin feels his expression slip at once and he growls in defiance and it's more than any verbal confession.

Of course.

There's not a single fucking secret he can keep and Connor enjoys watching him squirm like this. Like he gets some sick kick out of it.

He wants to say something, insult him again or otherwise show that he doesn't appreciate being made fun of. But he doesn't because it's the truth and instead he reaches out to pull Connor down towards him as he tries to quiet his mind by crashing their lips together, far more aggressive than necessary perhaps.

He just wants this, finally. And he wants Connor to know that he won't take his fucking teasing anymore.

His heart sinks to his stomach as Connor immediately reciprocates in kind, but there's such desperation coming from his side of the kiss that it takes Gavins breath away in shock. He feels the urge to mock Connor for it, because that's the only way he can deal with that realization. It's just the fact that he doesn't want to let go of him that stops him from following through with it.

They separate only when Gavin needs air and he can see that Connor opens his mouth to say something, but quickly quiets him again with another hungry kiss. If he lets him talk, he might end up saying something that he won't allow himself to believe.

He needs to regain control, somehow.

If he lets Connor have his way again, being so gentle, caring and openly affectionate, he's going to end up a crying mess by the end of it and that's just too vulnerable for his current state of mind. He wants it and even longs for it, but that just makes the thought of giving in even more terrifying.

It replays in his mind as they get to his bedroom and he tells Connor to just fuck him hard and rough, hoping it's enough to be safe, but somehow he is still whispering to him that _he's the only one he wants_ and more things that make Gavins head spin. All those words that make him feel light and warm and nauseous because of their intensity.

He wants to yell at Connor to shut up because why can't he just do as he always does when they're not having sex? Gavin wants to know why he is so focused on making him feel cared about when they're intimate, when he's so infuriatingly self-assured the rest of the time. It doesn't make sense to him so he needs to understand and at the same time he's scared of the answer.

And though his brain and body are screaming at him that he's tired and probably still too drunk to make reasonable decisions, he begs Connor for more of this, scared that this moment between them is going to end too soon.

Maybe it's because he's worried that it'll take another dance like the entirety of last month until they'll get together again. Or maybe it is because Connor is whispering _please don't push me away again_ to him _._ He pretends that he doesn't hear it.

When he can't drag it out any longer it's only because every muscle in his body sings in pain and pleasure.

And perhaps it's that overwhelming exhaustion that makes him unable to fight himself any longer as he holds onto Connor, afraid that if he lets go he'll be gone entirely.

With his head resting on Connor's chest he can clearly hear that whirring sound again from last time, though this time it feels comforting instead of off-putting. It's a weird thought, but it kind of reminds him of a purring cat. There's hands petting his hair softly, lips pressing kisses to his forehead and Gavins heart skips several beats as he thinks that this probably counts as cuddling.

He doesn't cry as he feared, but he does feel like he's descending fast and when the bottom of the pit approaches, it takes the form of realizing that somewhere along the way he started falling for Connor.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and let me know your thoughts. If you ever want to just chat about this fandom or anything, feel free to message me [on tumblr](https://pixihawk.tumblr.com/) or ask me for my discord!!
> 
> Phew I'm glad we're here now, because this chapter was tough to write. I deleted around 6k words...
> 
> Also are any of you going to FBM in germany next month?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! It's been far too long. :D
> 
> First of all, I'm sorry if you were expecting a new chapter of The Unexpected Objective. That's something I'm still working on, because this monster of a chapter took four weeks to write. I didn't plan for that at all, which is why I've been so quiet lately. Your lovely words have been the main source of my motivation throughout writing all of this, so I want to thank each and every single one of you!!  
> I'm absolutely going to finish this fic. It means too much to me not to. Although you might notice that the chapter count went up, because...yes, this is not going to be the end just yet. :)
> 
> If you're interested in music while reading, I've been working on a playlist for this series. [Here it is on spotify!](https://open.spotify.com/user/pixstiel/playlist/5CxaUcy2rxbyUUCJovVJfP?si=94klmsRLTTaXUsqCXNZUkg)
> 
> Before you read, another fair warning especially if the darker season has been affecting your mood as much as it has mine: This is a very angst-heavy chapter. 
> 
> With that out of the way, I still hope you'll enjoy this!!

Gavin wakes up to a loud clattering noise.

Before the situation even begins to make any sense to him he jolts upright and for a moment his head spins from the sudden movement. Right. He's in his own bed and he was asleep until just now. So what's going on?

The last thing he remembers are gentle kisses on his forehead and a quiet whirring sound lulling him into a heavy relaxed sleep.

_Connor._

Quickly he reaches for the sheets next to himself, only to find that they're cold.

He likes to pretend his heart doesn't sink to his stomach at the realization, but he's too drowsy to lie to himself convincingly. Connor is gone and it's not as if Gavin expected him to still be there after throwing him out the last time, but perhaps a tiny part of him had dared to _hope_. Stupidly so.

There's no time to consider that however, because there are footsteps outside of his door and that squashes his hope for good that what he heard could've been his neighbors. Those steps are clearly coming from his own apartment.

He barely has the presence of mind to put on his boxer briefs before getting out of bed and hurrying over to the door. The first thing he notices as he opens it is the smell of coffee and the next is what sounds like a cupboard being opened.

He knows exactly where to go now. Through the living room and just around the corner.

As soon as he reaches the kitchen, his entire body freezes.

Connor is standing there, looking entirely too comfortable and pouring a cup of coffee.

Why is he still here?

And why does he have to look like _that_?

Sure, he's always been attractive. Recognizing that is just common sense. But now he's here in his home, wearing Gavin's hoodie once again with little else except boxer shorts underneath and his hair still ruffled up from last night. He's a work of art; so gorgeous that for a moment Gavin forgets how to breathe.

It kind of makes him want to shove Connor against the kitchen counters, tear those clothes right off him and kiss him until he is just as much of a mess as he is.

Somewhere behind him the toaster goes off. Wasn't Gavin out of bread earlier this week?

"You know that I can see you staring, right?"

Gavin flinches and he's pretty sure that his brain is shutting down as he scrambles to come up with an excuse. There is none, but thankfully none is needed as Connor turns around to face him, a gentle smile on his lips.

"I apologize if I woke you up just now. I tried navigating my way through your cupboards and wasn't quite prepared for the amount of cutlery mindlessly stuffed into them."

So that was what he heard.

Connor's voice is so cheerful even as he sasses him that it makes Gavin actually feel speechless. Responding to him would probably make him look like less of an idiot, though Gavin doesn't even manage that simple act. Great.

His silence doesn't concern Connor much, as he makes his way towards where Gavin is standing. For a moment he holds up the cup of coffee in his hand as if he wants him to take it, but instead he puts it down on the kitchen counter next to himself. His eyes never leave Gavin's.

"I wanted to surprise you with breakfast."

 _He's making breakfast?_ Gavin's heart very noticeably skips a beat at the idea.Why does he have to act like that? Does he even realize what he's doing? Is he aware of how this'd look like to any human?

"...I must admit that I possess no housekeeping functions, but I hope that you will enjoy the-"

"I don't eat breakfast.", Gavin blurts out and he regrets it as soon as the words are out of his mouth because they're just that stupid. It's not a blatant lie but it's such a transparent excuse that Connor tilts his head at him and frowns in disbelief.

"You really should. Regulated meals and a daily structure are recommended to stabilize you during episodes of increased stress."

Is that concern or ridicule? It's hard to tell.

"I'm really not-", he begins but the words get stuck in his throat as Connor crosses the remaining distance between them in a single deliberate step.

Gavin can't really wrap his mind around how it happens, yet in the blink of an eye there's not even two inches between their chests and - oh fuck, why won't his stupid feet just move? He should really be moving away. Instead he keeps standing there, transfixed by Connor's presence as he always is and those beautiful brown eyes seemingly looking right into his soul.

Once again, all of him is on display for Connor to see.

"Are you feeling better? I was concerned about your mental state yesterday. Far more so than usual.", Connor asks, voice barely louder than a whisper.

There's hands on his hips, holding him in place - though that certainly isn't necessary - and it's just the right amount of pressure; the way Gavin likes it. Connor isn't playing fair, he knows exactly what he's doing and is pushing his buttons. He has power over him, far too much. And before Gavin can react, Connor leans in towards him and lips brush his cheek as he presses a kiss to them.

Devastatingly soft.

Right in that moment Gavin wants nothing more than to turn his head around and capture those same lips in between his. That'd be far easier to understand than whatever Connor is doing.

"I'm fine.", he gets out between clenched teeth.

His body is uncomfortably tense. Shit, this is all messed up. How the hell is he supposed to stay calm and collected when Connor is here, in his home, acting out some mock domesticity after he fell asleep in his arms yesterday?

He's not so sure whether his heart beating rapidly in his chest is due to anxiety, arousal or something else entirely. There's no way Connor doesn't notice either, because Gavin is only a mere human being who can't control his body's reactions at all.

"Why are you still here?"

Connor's eyebrow twitches. Or maybe that's just Gavin's imagination, because he likes the idea that Connor is capable of microexpressions. Something he can't quite control.

"Is that a problem?"

"Yes, that is a problem!"

"I am not sure I understand."

Shit, does he have to act deliberately obtuse? He is supposed to be superior to humans, a state of the art model, right? Can't his super smart processor figure out why Gavin is agitated this time?

"This not something we agreed upon."

Connor furrows his brows before his face turns back to the unreadable neutrality he usually wears. When he speaks it's with the same voice he used when talking to that android back in the interrogation room months ago. Still a negotiator at his most basic parts.

"We never talked about any of this."

"Well, I figured it'd go unsaid!"

"This is my first time in a relationship with a sexual aspect, so I apologize for unintentionally violating your boundaries."

Gavin's head is throbbing with dull pain.

A distinctly uncomfortable silence falls between them and he can barely keep standing still with all the anxious energy buzzing through his body. So what now? He really wishes he had something to fidget with because this tension is getting to him. A cigarette preferably.

And Connor is far too close.

He wouldn't understand. He doesn't get the weight behind cuddling, staying over and making breakfast. That what they're doing is undeniably bordering on dating territory and even if there was a possibility of Connor honestly feeling _something_ for him, right now it would utterly crush Gavin. It'd be too much, too soon, too real.

But he is also weak, far too weak to be the voice of reason. He should be the one to stop this before neither of them will be able to untangle this mess of theirs.

Warm artificial breath hits his skin and Gavin involuntarily shivers at the sensation.

Still he can't bring himself to push Connor away, get free from his hold. Still his eyes dart to his lips every now and then, interrupting all sensible thought processes.

Most importantly he needs something, some sense of control.

 _Anything_.

 

Reaching out and kissing Connor does not give him any of that; he's well aware of that.

In fact, it doesn't make any sense at all because he wants to throw Connor out again for blurring the lines between them be it intentional or not. He needs understanding not more confusion.

And yet there's a desperate need burning inside of him as Gavin pulls him down towards himself, holding onto his neck to keep him there. Connor follows his motion with no resistance, hands keeping him close, lips moving against his in a familiar rhythm. It's everything that Gavin needs right now.

When they part he can see something strange in Connor's eyes. Perhaps it's because they're so close together and his tired mind is playing tricks on him, or maybe it's because he genuinely surprised him with this kiss. But there is a part of him that's wondering whether it's possible that what he sees is _hesitation_.

"...would it be alright if I stayed for just a little while longer? We can forget about breakfast for now and find another reason for me being here."

It's whispered soft and diplomatically, as if Connor is trying to persuade him.

He doesn't need to.

Really, he shouldn't be talking at all.

Because that invites space to _think_ , so Gavin mumbles a _'shut up.'_ and presses their lips together a bit too forcefully. It's just that there's something inside of him that's aching for every touch and if he thinks too rationally about it then he'd realize that the right course of action would be to end it right here and now.

The hands on his hips hold even tighter as Connor lifts him up onto the kitchen counters with surprising strength and - shit, why is everything he does so hot? It's far too alluring and they fit together so perfectly, it's too easy.

There's no room to think about what Connor truly means by any of this when his hands are on him, his lips trail kisses along his skin, his body presses against his and Gavin loses every sense of _should_ or _shouldn't_. No room to think about the fact that this will only feed his obsession more and the only way to purge Connor from his system is to stay away from him.

This is starting to spiral out of control and he is losing his grip.

_Fast._

 

*

 

None of this helped and he's still the same idiot he was a few hours ago. The same as yesterday evening and in December.

The kind of idiot who is unable to deal with something as silly as falling for the guy he's sleeping with.

No, not guy.

Android.

The same one that he used to beat up and belittle.

He's stupid for even entertaining the notion that this could ever work out. That he could be even remotely prepared to deal with the emotional repercussions.

Arms tighten around his middle and hold his back close against a warm chest. He just wants them to stay here in his bed together, for as long as possible. They could forget about the world and simply exist in this small space that is theirs right at this point in time. No responsibilities, no guilt. No acknowledgement of who they are.

He's certain that Connor isn't starved for this like he is, but for just this moment he allows himself to pretend that whatever he truly gets out of this isn't just a mix of curiosity and lust. That he has forgiven Gavin for everything he did. That they've moved past it and can work on building a relationship. That perhaps he deserves a chance at redemption.

Those thoughts manage to fulfill him only for a few brief seconds. He is aware that they're empty wishes and leave behind a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach.

There are words mumbled in between kisses on his neck, barely audible.

" _Did you know that the act of sex itself is fairly underwhelming for androids?_ "

"...mhh?"

He's not entirely sure whether he hears that correctly, because if so then Connor is even worse at pillow talk than he is. What a fucking match they are. Connor stops his treatment and rest his chin on Gavin's shoulder, his cheek warm against his neck.

Intimate. Like lovers might hold each other.

"We don't usually have pleasure receptors in our store-bought genitals. Enjoyment wasn't at the forefront of our developers mind."

Okay, so he didn't mishear him. Gavin kind of wishes he did.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't get me wrong, I believe that I enjoy sex equally as much as you do, just in a different way. My pleasure is primarily psychological, less focused on an inherent biological need. Although becoming deviant has awoken somewhat of a...stronger appreciation to being touched."

"So you're saying that you're... what-? What _are_ you saying?"

Shit, he's confused. Is Connor telling him that he's not enjoying this, or what?

Connor stays silent for a moment.

"...I'm not saying anything, Gavin. I'm merely pondering."

That doesn't make any sense. He wants to probe him further on it because Connor doesn't simply _say_ things like that without any particular objective in mind. In all of the short time they've known each other he never once just thought out loud without purpose.

But then Connor lets go of him and tugs at his shoulder until Gavin rolls onto his back, confused by the action. Before he gets any chance to ask what's going on however Connor leans over him, arms propped up next to Gavin's shoulders and from this close he can see a look in his eyes he's only seen a few times before. Only ever when they were here, in his bed.

_You looked really pretty._

For a second Gavin thinks he's going to press their lips together again and his heart beats just a little bit faster in anticipation, but instead Connor leans down to him and places one gentle kiss on the bridge of his nose, right where his scar is located. It should be awkward and it's a weird angle as Connors nose bumps against his forehead, yet it's not any of those things because it's so full of affection that Gavin feels like he's drowning.

Drowning in the fact that he just wants Connor to hold him like this forever and the knowledge that he could have it all if he just wasn't himself; self-sabotaging and utterly wrecked by the thought that he doesn't understand why Connor is like this to him.

Another kiss to his brow and then his forehead, as fingers run through his hair gently.

It's too much, too much, _too much._

_Stop._

 

*

 

Sleeping with Connor is never a good idea and he should've known beforehand.

He listens for Connor's footsteps to slowly disappear outside his apartment and when he's finally alone he lets his head fall back against the front door in exhaustion. He isn't as rude about telling him to leave this time, but nevertheless there is something about Connor that seems disappointed.

To say he handled that situation poorly would be an understatement.

It's just one more incident in a growing list of dumb decisions. If he doesn't want Connor to say or do these things to him then why was he the one to initiate it this time? He had the opportunity to throw him out earlier today, yet he didn't.

It's only when he's cleaning his kitchen and dumping the cold coffee and toast Connor made for him into the garbage that he realizes something about their morning conversation.

He really should've disagreed when Connor called this something between them a _relationship_.

 

*

 

Gavin stares at his screen and fights back the tiredness clouding his mind semi-successfully. It's hard to keep his eyes open when he barely slept two hours that night.

He was woken up today at 2am by his phone ringing mercilessly, having barely slept at all. Half an hour later he'd found himself dressed and arriving at a crime scene just outside the city in the midst of pouring rain.

Securing the site and investigating it took until the early hours of the morning so going back home would've been a waste of time anyway. Going to the department and already starting on preparing his report however seemed reasonable at first, though now he's regretting it.

Of course he's not the only one up and about at this hour either, because that'd be too easy and give him at least some peace and quiet. No, Chris is there as well, staring silently at his computer and not looking in Gavin's direction even once. That's fine, it's not as if they talk that much anyway.

Tina isn't in yet either and he's glad for it, because he can deal with Chris ignoring him but he's not ready to face her. There's a dozen unread messages sent by her on his phone, though he doesn't dare touching them. This way he can at least pretend that any of this is still salvageable.

It's 8am when Connor and Hank come in. Being that early is expected of Connor, but Hank has been surprisingly punctual lately and there's no doubt in Gavin's mind that this is Connor's influence. Especially considering that he's actually wearing a fucking _suit_ today. Who is this man and what has happened to the dysfunctional alcoholic all of them have gotten used to over the past few years?

But thinking about the two of them inadvertently conjures up the memory of Friday night and his in retrospect fairly embarrassing jealousy.

Why the fuck did he act like such a moron? There's no reason to be jealous of someone like Hank. In comparison to him Gavin is a catch; he's pretty sure that he doesn't have even half as many issues as he does. And while Gavin is far from being in the best shape he's ever been in, he's still passable. If he just quits smoking and drinking again, he's going to be fine for at least two or three more years.

Does Connor even care about appearances? Do androids have aesthetic preferences? At least he doesn't seem to go for personality, because Gavin is self aware enough to know that he's not all that attractive in that regard.

He is too distracted by his own thoughts to notice that Anderson is staring at him until the man coughs and draws his attention to him. They rarely if ever interact, so what the fuck does he want now?

But when his eyes meet Hank's he can feel his heart skipping several beats at once.

The two of them haven't seen eye to eye for years now and considering their interaction back at the bar Gavin doubts that this is going to change anytime soon. That is alright with him; he has no motivation to befriend Hank.

What he doesn't expect however is the look of open scrutiny.

What the hell is this about?

...and does he truly want to know?

The sun has barely started shining yet Gavin already wants to call it a day.

Before he can react to Hank in any way, he breaks off the eye contact himself and leans to the side. It takes Gavin several confused moments to realize that it's because of Connor. The two of them are whispering to each other and judging by the look on both of their faces, it's not a pleasant conversation.

But that doesn't concern him. What does he care about these two?

Just because he has a stupid, nonsensical crush on Connor doesn't mean he needs to have his entire life revolve around him. Or at least that's what he tries telling himself as he turns back around to focus on his own desk.

Gavin stares at his screen for several minutes and just kind of hopes that his mind will stop coming back to this. It's really not his problem. What was he even working on? Right, he was about to finish his report. Now if he could only focus on-

"Detective Reed?"

He turns his head around so abruptly that his neck actually hurts. Shit, he's becoming too much of a desk jockey at this point, staring at his screen all day in a hunched over position. But that's not the issue right now; that would be Connor smiling reservedly at him and holding out a cup of coffee for him to take.

"I apologize for the interruption, but you arrived before I did."

Apparently he has either abandoned his argument with Hank, or the two of them have made up again. Not that Gavin really cares, because the only important part is that Connor is talking to him and his stupid fucking heart is doing somersaults.

He's just giving him a coffee, that's it. No need to get overly excited. They've done this so many times already.

His brain is once again completely useless so Gavin takes the cup from Connor and as he does their fingers brush against each other, immediately sending a jolt of _something_ through his body. Perhaps he can blame it on his sleep-deprived brain this time, but this kind of cheesy bullshit is exactly what he needs to avoid.

The coffee is still hot and smells amazing, especially considering that his body is screaming for some caffeine just about now.

"Uh, thanks. I guess."

That should be it, right?

But Connor doesn't move and looks at him in silence though Gavin isn't quite sure what he expects from him. Is he looking for a particular reaction? Why isn't he leaving? This is starting to get really awkward.

Absentmindedly he takes a sip of the beverage.

"Gavin, I-..."

"Connor! We've got work to do!"

Hank's voice cuts through the air between them like a blade. Connor breaks off eye contact, closes his mouth and without saying goodbye he turns around to return to his own desk.

What was that?

Gavin is staring after him. He's still holding the coffee and at once it hits him that he never actually accepted this from Connor before. The cup is starting to burn his hand, though he doesn't set it down quite yet. The pain is grounding in a way and he desperately needs that right now.

Hank is whispering something to Connor again and Gavin can't hear what they're saying, though it looks like he's giving him a lecture. That could be about anything, really. Connor does a lot of weird shit throughout the day.

But then Hank throws a sideway glance in Gavin's direction and at once it hits him that there's no way this isn't about him.

_Oh shit._

He tries to act like he's working and not paying attention as fast as he can.

Does he know about him and Connor? That'd be bad. Of course he'd always considered the possibility that Connor wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut, but he's not doing anything _morally_ wrong. This is a mutually agreed upon _whatever_ and the worst outcome should be Hank making fun of him for turning around on his android views. Which - admittedly - is something that he'd deserve the scrutiny for.

What he can't deal with however is that ominous feeling in the back of his mind telling him that maybe that's not it.

 

It's around 11am when the words begin to swim before his eyes and he's pretty sure he's experiencing microsleep every couple of minutes, so that's the last sign he needs to tell him that he won't get anything else done today. He's tries his best to ignore Connor's eyes on him as he packs his things and leaves, though he doesn't make it quite out of the door.

He should've seen the person in front of him and yet he only barely manages to avoid collision with them. Only seconds later that somebody grabs his arm. His mind is so tired that he doesn't even truly notice that fact until the grip tightens and an all too familiar voice says his name.

"Gavin?"

His eyes meet Tina's in an instance and he's not entirely sure how long they just kind of stare at each other. As soon as his mind catches up with whatever is going on however he jerks his arm free, side-steps her...

...and bolts.

She's calling after him, but he keeps walking as fast as he reasonably can without outright sprinting, pretending that he doesn't hear her. Oh fuck, what the hell is he doing?!

Shit.

Shit.

_Shit._

 

*

 

One minute they're in January and the next February is already ending.

He doesn't see Tina again for the rest of the week, which is likely due to the fact that he gets to spend more time on actual cases again. A welcome distraction even if he has to endure Collins while doing so. And when he is at the office, she's out and about herself.

Part of him is relieved and another part of him feels sick.

He still hasn't read the messages Chris and her left him after Friday evening and at this point he's not certain that he ever will. Yeah, sure, he could reply and attempt to explain himself but what would that accomplish?

What is he even supposed to say to them? _Sorry that I’m an asshole?_ They already knows he is and should've expected this.

It’s not as if he insulted Tina or anything. And she never even stopped to consider whether he’d appreciate having all of his private life on display for his colleagues. He shouldn't have run away from talking to her, but if their friendship hinges on little more than that and some drunken words, then she isn't the person he thought she was.

This is really not his fault.

…So why does he still feel like shit about the entire situation?

 

*

 

"Detective Reed, may I ask you something?"

Mildly annoyed by the distraction Gavin looks up from the game he's playing on his phone and meets Connor's eyes. He's standing in front of his desk, arms folded behind his back and a polite almost-smile on his lips. It's stiff and far from the more relaxed posture he's adopted over the past few months.

They haven't talked at all since last week.

And besides that, what's up with his weird clothing? Back in December he mostly wore suits that gave him a similar appearance to his old uniform. However today he's wearing a navy blue dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a pattern printed on it that only on closer inspection reveals itself as _tiny ducks_ of all things. This has to be Anderson's influence. It's casual and different from his usual style. Definitely far more form fitting. Actually that part is kind of distracting because how does a ridiculous shirt like that manage to look attractive on Connor?

Has it already been a week since they had sex?

He groans and puts his phone down on his desk, trying to appear less interested and more annoyed. Not that he's ever able to fool Connor either way, but he's not going to give him any more reasons to be so frustratingly smug all the time.

"I'm on my break, talk to me in like ten minutes."

"This isn't work related, actually. What I want is of a more personal nature."

That's not a good sign.

"...alright, whatever. Shoot."

Gavin makes a waving gesture with his hand, motioning Connor to make it fast. He's fully expecting this to turn into his weird flirting once again; perhaps some comment about his interest just now. He'll be able to deal with that.

But Connor hesitates and that's strange. It's a shame he doesn't have his LED anymore to give Gavin any kind of indication of what he's thinking. 

"...Would you like to go for dinner with me later this week?“

What?

Everything comes to a halt as Gavin's mind processes what Connor just asked him.

It has to be a joke, right? Is Connor trying to find new ways of messing with him?

The question comes without any warning whatsoever and he has no idea of how to react.

And so Gavin does the only thing he can think of and laughs. It's loud and fake and several of their colleagues turn their heads toward them to see what's going on. But Connor isn't laughing, or even smiling. There's no indication that he's being anything but genuine. Wait, is he actually serious?

The laughter gets stuck in Gavin's throat at once and he stops, coughing awkwardly. Quickly he looks around to make sure that the others lose their interest in them before lowering his voice and leaning forward to Connor over his desk.

"Is this your idea of an early April's fool? Maybe check your calendar, tin can."

That earns him a frown, though it's difficult to make out any kind of emotional reaction on Connor's features. Is he purposefully controlling himself or does he simply not care?

When he speaks it's in a whisper barely loud enough for him to hear, though Gavin still can't help the anxiety tugging at his mind. They really shouldn't be discussing this where anybody could be listening in.

"I’m completely serious, though I’m uncertain why you’d imply that I’m joking about this. You are well aware of my interest in you."

_As if that explains anything at all._

"You're not even able to eat."

Gavin tries his best not to let his irritation be too obvious, though he's not quite sure why he even bothers. This is a stupid idea and he can't believe they're wasting time talking about this. What the hell is Connor thinking even suggesting this?

"That is not true. I am able to mimic the intake of food and can store up to 300 milliliters in my-"

"You know that’s not what I meant. There’s no point in wasting money on a dish you can't even taste."

"I would be happy to watch you eat on your own. And I’m receiving a salary now, so I’d like to treat you either way."

Why won't Connor just drop it? Why does he have to push this?

Sure, ever since they started this Gavin had the impression that Connor enjoys watching him squirm whenever he corners or teases him. But this is on another level, bordering on plain cruelty. The humor and absurdity starts to tear away from the situation, leaving behind only a sense of vulnerability.

"...Connor, why are you doing this?“

"Sharing a meal together is primarily a bonding experience. And it's a traditional activity for a date.“

_That's not what he asked._

If Connor doesn't want to understand then it's time to be blunt.

Gavin leans even farther over his desk, staring at Connor and not even bothering to control his facial expression to hide his anger.

"You know that we’re already fucking, yeah? There’s no need for dates or for you to buy me anything. If you're that desperate, why don't you corner me in the fucking archive room again, huh? Much easier and less of a waste of both of our time and money."

Connor completely stills, eyebrows furrowed and lips pressed together into a tight frown. Is Gavin not giving him what he wants this time? _Good_. That's a sliver of control for once, just the tiniest hint of throwing him off his game.

It's less satisfying than he'd imagined though.

"I'd like to experience this. With you."

He's mocking him. Outright ridiculing him.

Shit, he wishes Connor would _actually_ want that. But Gavin isn't a fucking training dummy he can test this all on.

Hank is watching them again. He can see him behind Connor, sitting at his desk and throwing them some not so subtle glances.

But he's not the only one, because to his side there's also Chris. He's less open about his staring, but Gavin can tell that he's observing them as well. What, so he ignores him for two weeks yet is still interested in his personal life? Prick.

This has gone on for far too long and Gavin's fingers are already twitching nervously. He needs a smoke, or something to fidget with. Anything before he'll start punching shit again in frustration. He's not going to lose his job over this.

"No, you don’t. Save your money and spend it on Hank or whoever, I don’t give a shit. I don't need your charity."

That appears to get the message across. And still - albeit unsurprisingly - there's a hollow feeling in the pit of Gavin's stomach as Connor glares at him but then finally leaves him alone.

He needs to get over this. Needs to get over Connor and all the shit regarding his friends that he's been trying to push down.

And Chris is still staring.

_Can't he just mind his own fucking business for once?_

It's the last straw for Gavin's already short temper and he doesn't really give a shit anymore as he gets up and stalks over towards Chris' desk. He's not dumb enough to confront Hank, but he can handle this asshole.

It's impulsive and not well-thought out at all, it's just that he needs to do _something_.

"What? What's so interesting, huh?!"

At least Chris has the audacity to flinch as he looks up to Gavin approaching him. The surprise only lasts for a moment though before his face changes into something unpleasant.

"Jesus Christ. No need to scream at me, asshole. What's wrong with you?"

"Oh, so you _are_ still able to talk to me after all."

Gavin raises his eyebrows, voice dripping with sarcasm and open aggression. There's the self-destructive part of him that's kind of hoping that Chris will give him a hard time so they can escalate the situation. His hands are itching for a fight; some relief from the tension he's been feeling lately. It's a terrible idea yet it sounds awfully appealing right now.

The only reason he doesn't give in to that urge right then and there is because people are watching them. He's pretty sure they've got the attention of the captain as well now, which is the last thing he needs.

Chris scoffs and rolls his eyes.

"Of course I am. I chose not to do it."

_Asshole._

He fucking knew it.

"Real fucking mature of you. Ignoring me instead of letting me explain myself.”

“No offense Gav, but I’m not interested in what you have to say."

Chris leans back in his chair and crosses his arms in front of his chest, countering Gavin's stare with open hostility.

"I like you, or at least I really try to. But I thought you'd finally gotten over yourself after all this time, which obviously isn't the case so I'm going to speak the only language you understand: If you don’t get your shit together and apologize to Tina then I have nothing to say to you.”

"Fuck you."

It's not particularly eloquently put but that doesn't matter.

Chris has no right to act like that. He doesn’t understand the entire situation or even attempts to see things from Gavin’s angle.

So fuck him.

And everyone else.

There's still people watching. Is nobody here to actually work? Is his shitshow so exciting to everyone?

"What the fuck are you looking at?!"

It's directed at Chris, all of them and nobody all at once.

There's no reply.

The anger doesn’t quite leave him once he’s back at his desk, ignoring the way that the entire room is watching him. Instead he stares at his computer screen as if it is the cause of all of his troubles. It might as well be, because Gavin can’t actually tell anymore when or why all of this escalated to this point.

Chris is in the wrong here. And so is Tina for expecting whatever it is she wants from him. He doesn’t need either of them because he’s always been better off taking care of himself and - shit - why are his hands shaking so much? He's already doing his best.

If his friends won't even try to support him, then maybe he doesn't need them in the first place.

His phone buzzes and without hesitation he deletes the message he receives from Connor before he even has a chance to look at it.

 

*

 

Sleeping has always been difficult, but it's usually because of stress keeping his body in high alert and unable to rest. That's fairly normal and Gavin is used to it by now; sometimes it's easier and sometimes it's not. He can shoot his gun reliably straight and focus on his work even on four hours of sleep a night and that's all that counts.

What he's not used to however is being unable to fall asleep because it is too cold and quiet in his bedroom. There is no warm body to lean against; no soft whirring sound to calm him down. No genuine smile or warm brown eyes.

It's ridiculous to miss something that was only there for a few hours of a single night; something that he should've never let happen in the first place. This was an exception, he tells himself. If he allows himself to keep indulging in Connor's affections, they're going to smother him eventually.

Perhaps this is his own fault for not dating in too long. He's never been particularly great at any kind of relationship, but maybe he wouldn't obsess over Connor as much if affection wouldn't feel so special.

He can't even text Tina or Chris for a distraction.

Desperate for anything to keep him sane, Gavin clutches his pillow tight to his chest, hoping that somehow he can quiet his mind by tricking it into thinking it's who he wants it to be. But it's not even remotely the same and only manages to remind him of how pathetically lonely he is.

Maybe he deserves feeling like this. And maybe this is his punishment for treating Connor like shit in the first place.

Fuck him for daring to wish that this could work out, right?

It's kind of laughable in fact.

 

*

 

He should've known that it'd be stupid to hope that perhaps the situation would blow over. That hope dies when Gavin arrives at work on Monday after the incident, tired and expecting some form of fallout. Except neither Tina nor Chris are the ones waiting for him.

As soon as he steps out of his car he spots Hank, leaning against the brick wall next to the DPD’s entrance and observing the parking lot.

On the off chance that this is not what it so clearly looks like, Gavin tries to walk as confidently as he can muster towards the entrance, making no eye contact and keen on at least attempting to ignore him entirely. But of course this is exactly what it looks like and when Hank steps in front of him Gavin’s stomach twists in an uncomfortable way.

He’s not stupid. Hank may be old and getting slower, but he’s still a force to be reckoned with, especially now that he's not already drunk in the morning. Besides, none of Gavin’s intimidation tactics work on him, which has been a source of frustration for years.

There’s a reason he usually stays clear of this asshole.

"Reed. We need to talk."

Gavin comes to a halt in front of him and there’s still fight in him left because he’s not going to let Hank get to him that easily, so he rolls his eyes in defiance.

"Fucking great. No we don't."

It’s his stubbornness that makes him want to pretend that he can still avoid this situation as he attempts to sidestep Hank and push past him. A firm hand on his arm keeps him from leaving however, the grip far stronger than one would perhaps expect from a man Hank’s age.

"What the hell! Don’t touch me, asshole."

His arm comes free with little to no effort as he jerks it from Hank’s grasp, but the message has been received and he makes no further attempts to leave. This is not going to be fun. Every muscle in his body is tensing up, ready to engage either fight or flight.

"It’s about time we two had a heart-to-heart."

Hank’s voice is low and barely conceals his hostility, though there’s a calmness to his demeanor that demands a level of reverence. It’s eerily close to that time he pointed his gun at Gavin in defense of Connor. So they’re not even going to keep up the pretense that this is a civil discussion, huh?

The people coming in and out of the building are starting to throw the two of them curious glances, making Gavin shuffle uncomfortably in place.

"Do we really have to do this here?", he hisses back, not bothering to hide his own antagonism. At least that way they’re on the same page.

Hank scrutinizes him, but then nods sharply and motions him to follow a few feet away from the main entrance. Right to the spot where Tina and him usually take their smoke breaks. _Ironic_.

It's not exactly private as anyone walking by can still clearly see them, but Gavin is not going to argue this any further. Not when Hank turns to him, his arms crossed in front of his chest and Gavin starts getting impatient. What is he waiting for? He just wants to get this over with.

He regrets that thought as soon as Hank actually does open his mouth.

"What the hell do you think you're doing to Connor?"

Shit.

So this is exactly what he thought this was about. Except Hank has no idea what he’s saying, because he doesn’t understand the situation at all. But Gavin’s thoughts are already racing and he needs time to figure out how to escape this situation.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about."

He's cringing at himself for how weak he sounds.

"Oh don’t give me that crap. Yes you do. Frankly, I think you’re an arrogant prick but I know for a fact that you’re not an idiot."

"I don’t have to listen to you insulting me, Anderson. If you have nothing worthwhile to say, fuck off. I’m leaving."

This is beginning to charge his body with uncomfortable anger and he takes a more hostile posture. As expected Hank doesn't seem impressed by that at all.

"You’re not going anywhere. I’m going to try and be as clear as possible here so it gets through that thick skull of yours, but I'm only giving you a chance to listen because I know that the kid cares about you. I'm sick of seeing Connor upset about the hot and cold bullshit you keep pulling on him. And I don't give a shit whether you care about him or not because I do and I'm not going to sit by and let his first experiences be this unhealthy."

Gavin bites down on the inside of his mouth hard to keep from screaming at Hank right then and there. There's no way he's giving him that satisfaction.

His hands curl into fists at his side.

"That's none of your business."

He tries his best to control his voice to at least appears calm and collected. But truth be told, this is _fucking unfair_ and it's pissing him off.

"...He’s not Cole. Connor is clearly not a child and can make his own decisions, even the ones you don’t approve of. And there’s _nothing_ you can do about it."

He hesitates for a moment as his common sense comes close to reaching him. But he’s feeling more than a little agitated by now and if there is a chance that he can deal any blow at all then he will take it; consequences be damned. He doesn’t give a shit about Hank.

His next words drip with poison.

"Babying him won’t bring your brat back."

Hank's expression slips and then distorts into something ugly.

"...Jesus, you're disgusting."

It seems that he struck a nerve. Which was Gavin's goal, so it really shouldn't bother him that it landed. Fuck, why _is_ this bothering him? It's just Hank. Hank who is looking down on him.

The intense urge to defend himself threatens to overwhelm him.

"And you have no idea what you’re talking about with any of this! Did you even ask Connor, or did you just jump to conclusions? Great Detective work, Lieutenant. I'm not fucking pressuring him or whatever it is you think I'm doing. He's the one who keeps pushing _me_!"

It's a stupid defense and he knows it. Especially considering that Hank is going to take Connor's side no matter what.

But Hank is quiet, too quiet. And when he speaks it's so calm that it just makes it all even worse.

„...Did you ever consider that he has no other way of getting to you? That none of us do?“

He might as well have laid his hands around Gavin’s throat and squeezed.

White, hot rage bubbles up in his chest and envelops his entire body. It's clouding his mind until all that matters is that he doesn't want to hear what Hank's saying anymore.

He swings without thinking about it.

Sure, he likes provoking fights and he frequently gets the urge to hit people, but actually going through with that is something else entirely. All of his violence has always been directed either at himself or inanimate objects - admittedly counting androids amongst those. He knows better than to go around assaulting people. And he should know better now, because this isn't just anyone. Hank is a police officer and they're right in front of the station.

It doesn't matter. Because nothing really matters anymore; everyone has been pushing him lately, testing how far they can take this. Why can't they just leave him alone?

But the punch doesn't connect.

Blinded by his own idiocy he's not aiming properly and Hank is much faster than he looks. A moment later rough hands twist his arm and the side of his face collides with the brick of the building's wall, sending a jolt of sharp pain throughout his body.

He's kind of expecting Hank to retaliate with a punch or a kick. In his position, Gavin would.

Instead Hank only applies more pressure to his hold and twists Gavin’s arm just far enough to keep him pinned in place. Shit, it’s getting really hard to maintain any kind of composure and Gavin wants to say something – anything – to defend himself, though it only comes out in a pained gasp.

"You ever stop and wonder why most of the people around here can't stand you? Because I can tell you why; I've been there."

A punch to the face might've been kinder.

With that Hank lets go of him and takes a step back. He silently watches Gavin scrambling to push himself off the wall and trying to retain some sense of dignity. He can taste blood and - fuck - he's pretty sure he busted his lip on impact.

"Figure your shit out, Reed. I'm not going to let you pull him down with you."

Gavin watches him leave without another word. It's as if all the wind's been knocked out of his sails at once, leaving him stranded right there in that parking lot.

Briefly he considers just turning around and going back home. To call it quits and give up. As soon as Hank is reporting this, he's as good as gone anyway considering the warning the captain gave him merely weeks ago. He fucked up badly once again, letting all of this get to his head.

Gavin's really not emotionally equipped to deal with this entire situation.

Frantically he searches his pockets to find his lighter and the pack of cigarettes he usually carries around, fumbling as he does so. He needs a distraction, quick, or he's going to throw up right there on the spot.

_Did you ever consider that he has no other way of getting to you?_

Hank has no clue.

_Fuck._

 

*

 

Hank doesn't report him. It's puzzling and Gavin doesn't understand what his aim is.

When he's finally able to leave that day the thought of going back to his lonely apartment feels terrifying. So he goes straight for whatever bar he spots on his way there. Thank fuck to self-driving cars for enabling him to get spontaneously drunk on his own. Piss on the fact that it's the middle of the week; it's been a while since he's been able to shut down his brain for even a few hours.

And he needs to stop thinking desperately. So what if it's an unhealthy coping mechanism? It's not like he's getting drunk every day. It's fine. The alternative would be some shit like Red Ice and he's been on the force long enough to know that's never a good idea.

He just needs to purge them all from his brain.

Connor. Hank. Tina. Chris.

Himself.

 

*

 

Working the night shift has it's perks and somehow Gavin manages not to arouse suspicion as he talks his way into every single one for the coming week. He's pretty sure the captain is questioning his motives but doesn't press the issue so that's fine by him.

The most obvious benefit is that there's no one else to distract him, with the welcome side effect that Connor won't be around to corner him and try to talk. Gavin's certain that he's not ready for that at all.

Okay, perhaps he is avoiding him and Hank and Tina and Chris and everyone, but that's understandable considering the situation, right? He can't trust himself at the moment, not after how he acted in his confrontation with Hank. Or Chris before that, for that matter.

The headspace he's in is dangerous and it doesn't feel as if he has any control over his emotions at all.

So he needs this. Needs to be alone because he can't think with his brain clouded by thoughts all day, barely able to focus at times. His life is more than just relationship troubles and this is the best solution he has until he can figure this mess out.

It's only helping to a certain extend but at least he's not actively self-destructing for the time being.

Everybody has already gone home and even the station androids have left which is something Gavin still has to get used to. They were always around when he used to work late over the past few years but now they're entitled to off-hours as well. It's kind of creepy to think that all this time they were people, watching him.

Perhaps even those two that accompanied them to the bar. The thought sends a shiver down his spine.

The lights are dimmed down aside from his computer screen, giving the building a strangely eerie atmosphere. As if this department exists on another plane of reality than during the day.

The work he has to get done right now is monotonous and he can barely keep his eyes open at this point. Most of it is cross-referencing data and it's not engaging enough to keep his mind from wandering, which means he catches himself every now and then having read through an entire file without actually absorbing any of the information. Which is just great considering that he needs to be precise or else the case might end up getting dismissed before it even gets to a court room. He might not have the best work ethic, but he's principled enough for that thought to bother him.

2:12am.

He leans back in his chair, stretches his arms and yawns. If he keeps up like this then he'll end up falling asleep sitting upright, so it's time to get up and get himself a coffee. He could step outside for a moment to get some fresh air and a cigarette but that'll likely end in him freezing his ass off, because despite it being the beginning of March the cold is still harsh especially at night.

So coffee it is.

The rattling sound of the coffee maker in the break room echoes throughout the quiet department and somehow only causes the silence around him to be more pronounced than before. While he's waiting he fidgets around with his phone, checking some social media and willfully ignores the notifications that have been sitting in his inbox for the past two weeks.

A distant sound interrupts his thoughts.

What was that?

Gavin stops everything he's doing all at once and tries to concentrate on his hearing. He's certain that there was _something_.

And sure enough there's another noise. Like footsteps but far away. Is somebody else at the station? That'd be annoying but he's not the only one who is working late.

"Hello?"

There's no response.

Perhaps he's hearing things as his tired mind is playing tricks on him, or whoever that was has already left again. His attention is quickly diverted when his coffee is done and he shrugs it off. Right now it's more important to get some much-needed caffeine, so he takes an eager first sip only to immediately burn his tongue.

"Aw, shit, fuck!"

Curse his impatience. He usually never takes creamer, but right now he just wants to gulp this coffee down as soon as he can so he's awake enough to finish his job. Now where did he last see-

"Good evening, Gavin."

The sound of ceramic breaking is followed by a string of curses as hot coffee spills all over the floor. Thankfully none of it hits his legs so he doesn't get burned, though that's the least of his worries right now. Gavin spins around and sure enough, there is that familiar face.

Connor is standing in the middle of the dim break room, watching him.

This better be a dream or even a hallucination. At this point he'd rather face losing his mind than whatever this is going to be. He's not ready to talk to Connor yet; not when he still doesn't understand how to deal with their _situation_.

But now they're here.

Together in the room that holds a certain significance to their relationship, albeit one that Gavin would rather forget.

It's too much to think about, so he does the next best thing which is ignoring Connor altogether. He turns around and rummages through the cupboards until he finds some paper towels he can use to mop up the mess he made. His mind is racing though no single thought makes any sense or gives him any idea of how to behave.

All the while Connor doesn't say anything else or move to help, as he simply observes Gavin mopping the floor. That makes the situation even more awkward than it was before and there's a familiar frustration building up in Gavin's body. This stupid mug spilled everywhere and now he's stuck cleaning it up because if he stops then he's going to look even more ridiculous. Why does he even care what Connor thinks of him right now? He knows why; he just doesn't like the answer. Shit, what is he even doing here?

There's a shard stuck underneath the narrow space between the counter and the floor with no way of getting to it except by crouching. Which is absolutely not going to happen; not in front of Connor. Feeling more than just a little on edge he gets up and gives the piece of furniture an annoyed kick. It's impulsive and stupid, but that's not surprising considering it's him.

"Careful, that's government property. I thought the Captain had warned you against damaging further equipment. I can't vouch for you every time."

"Fuck that. Fuck the Captain."

It's immature and Gavin knows it is, but he doesn't know what else to do with all the nervous energy inside of him. Connor is still standing there, though now he's smiling. Judging. His arms are crossed behind his back and he's obviously analyzing the situation, making Gavin feel even more inadequate than he already does.

"I'm technically off hours, so I won't acknowledge that inappropriate remark."

"How fucking gracious of you."

Connor doesn't answer to his sarcasm and instead comes closer, though not close enough to touch. Still Gavin finds himself backing up until the counter top hits his lower back and he has no room left to escape. That thought really shouldn't send a thrill down his spine, but by now he already knows how this is going to play out.

Except Connor stops just short of invading his personal space. Keeping a certain distance between them. So now they're just standing around, looking at each other like idiots.

Is that what Connor is here for? Staring him into submission? What does he expect? Is he here to confront him about what happened with Hank?

The uncertainty makes Gavin's skin crawl until he can barely stand still anymore. He wants to reach out; he wants to run away. Anything to make that antsy feeling go away. Is this also part of Connor's game? Wearing his defense down with some psychological bullshit?

Shit, he can't take this anymore, _why isn't Connor saying anything?_

"What do you want?"

Connor tilts his head curiously to the side as if he's surprised by the question.

"I came because Officer Chen told me that I might be able to find you here at this hour."

_Tina?_

How does she even know he's here? And what is she doing telling Connor where he is? They haven't even talked in two weeks now.

Connor finally takes a step forward, causing Gavin to suck in his breath subconsciously. There's still so much space between them. Which is how it should be, but it gives him too much room to think about this. His thoughts are muddied with the contradictions filling his mind. So does he want Connor close or not? He doesn't know. There's a gaping black hole of nothingness where the answer should've been.

"You've been avoiding me.", Connor states matter-of-factly.

"...This isn't about you."

Surprisingly that actually causes Connor to smile, though the humor doesn't quite reach his eyes. It gives him an uncanny valley type of look, intimidating in a way. For the first time in a long while it truly reminds Gavin of the fact that he's beyond human.

"You're a better detective than liar, so tell me what this behavior would look like from my perspective."

There's no use for Gavin to continue pretending otherwise even if he'd really like to play dumb. He's too tired for mind games and they really shouldn't be talking about something this important under these circumstances.

"Yeah, of course I've been avoiding you. But I've been avoiding a lot of people, you're not that special."

His provocation doesn't even seem to faze Connor as he takes another step closer. Now they're beginning to reach familiar territory, barely an arm's length apart anymore.

"If this is about Hank, then I won't act as if I don't know something happened between the two of you. He refuses to tell me about it, but I can tell when he's troubled."

It's not about that. Or at least not entirely. But Connor wouldn't understand.

"Doesn't matter. That's between the two of us.", Gavin mutters under his breath, entirely too defensive for his own taste. And of course Connor picks up on that immediately.

"Does it still hurt?"

Unexpectedly Connor reaches out and when his fingers touch the skin next to the healing scab on his lip Gavin flinches, though he shakes his head. It's been a few days and the wound had time to heal so it doesn't hurt much anymore. He's had a lot worse over the years, this doesn't even come close to compare.

This time the smile reaches Connor's eyes. It's inappropriate for their situation, or does seeing Gavin get hurt please him that much? Not that he'd blame him. Connor lets go of him and Gavin kind of expects him to withdraw again now that he's pointed his fingers quite literally to humiliate him.

But then Connor leans in towards him in one swift motion and presses a soft kiss to the corner of Gavin's mouth, staying clear of any damaged skin.

For a moment Gavin's mind blanks and his eyes flutter shut, as he sighs into the feeling of those beautiful lips against his. Enjoys it for few blissful seconds. That is until his brain catches up with him and he becomes aware of what they're doing. He opens his eyes again and turns his head to the side abruptly, causing Connor to pull back.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Connor's smile falters and vanishes. There's a chance that he's imagining it, but for a moment Gavin is certain that there is honest confusion on his face. Almost as if he truly doesn't understand.

He backs down a bit, at least until their faces are a few inches apart. His expression now is far too serious for Gavin's liking.

"...perhaps we should finally talk about this. About us."

"I don't know what you mean. There's nothing to talk about."

Both of them know that's bullshit, but Gavin is not going to simply give in without a fight. He navigated himself into this mess and now he has apparently made it his goal to make the situation even worse by being stubborn about it.

What is it about Connor that brings out the worst in him?

Connor huffs and narrows his eyes, as if he's assessing him closely. His brows are furrowed and his mouth is pressed into a tight frown, so very unlike his usually collected nature. It's the closest Gavin has ever seen him to showing open frustration directed at him. Or anyone, really.

It just makes him feel like even more of an asshole.

"You obviously want to have sex with me. My simple presence in a room is often enough for you to show clear signs of arousal."

Heat creeps up Gavin's neck and that's as good a confession as admitting it out loud. He's too easy, too weak and too into Connor to hide it. Connor who is still leaning towards him; too close, far too close. He feels as if he's being dissected in a distinctly unpleasant way. Is it too late to just bolt towards the exit?

"You already know that I'm interested in giving you what you want. There is no pretense anymore. And yet my suggestion for a date was not well received. You said that _I_ don't want it, yet you never denied that you do."

Now it's Gavin's turn to frown. He kind of feared that entire situation wasn't done with yet. But he's not going to let him make fun of him again, even if what Connor says is uncomfortably true. So he scoffs in a desperate attempt to appear unaffected.

An attempt that fails as soon as Connor keeps talking.

"Is this about me being an Android?"

What?

No, that's not it!

How did Connor even arrive to that conclusion? The thought of him being a machine hasn't figured into his thought process at all and he's struggling to keep up with him now, because that's a logical leap he can't quite follow.

"...Are you ashamed of being attracted to me?"

Oh.

Connor looks up to him with such an intense look in his eyes that Gavin finds that he doesn't even have to think about the answer. It's just there immediately, honest and open. And still, the idea that Connor stopped to wonder about this in the first place is enough to make him feel like the horrible person he is.

"...No."

He means it. Yeah, sure, he does feel ashamed, but it's not because of his attraction to Connor. He doesn't even have the energy to pretend. The only thing he is ashamed of is himself.

Connor pauses before continuing, his voice hesitant and quiet. Betraying uncertainty for the first time. It's enough to make Gavin's head spin.

"Gavin... I don't understand why you think I don't know what I want. I want this. Everything _._ I want to experience these things and learn to understand you. Why does that thought scare you so much?"

_Why wouldn't it?_

Why is that so hard for Connor to get? Everything about him awakens something inside of him that's outside of his control, overwhelming and hard to grasp. And he needs him to understand, because apparently he truly doesn't get it.

"Why do you even bother...? I'm clearly not what you expected me to be or were hoping for. You know I'm not stopping you from finding some other asshole who would be willing to entertain you, right?! It doesn't need to be this difficult!"

It's a last, desperate attempt to make any sense of this. And he needs some form of confirmation that this is still the game he thought they were playing; that he didn't misunderstand Connor the way Hank implied.

That need threatens to swallow him whole. They can still go on in a fairly normal manner if Connor just says the right words right now. That Gavin is right and whatever is between them isn't like that at all.

But the confirmation never comes.

"I don't need someone to entertain me."

There's that same look in Connor's eyes that he only has when they're lying in his bed together, sharing the few moments of true intimacy in between the mess that is the rest of their relationship.

Affectionate. Accepting.

Loving.

" _I want_ _you_."

 

 

 

It isn't supposed to be like this.

This is the reason why getting closer feels so terrifying. And now in the matter of just a few seconds all of his fears and worries become real, crashing over him and burying him underneath them. He's not prepared at all.

Connor's eyes widen as he looks at him. Like he's a fucking freak. Or maybe that's what he wants to see, because he feels like he is a freak as his body starts shaking and he realizes that he's sobbing.

_Pitiful._

Desperately he tries to calm his trembling body by wrapping his arms around himself; trying to block out as much of his pathetic form as he can yet he still feels those eyes locked onto him, watching every move his body makes. It just makes it all so much worse and he wants to sit down, curl up on himself and never get up again. Like a child.

He never wanted to break down and present himself as utterly vulnerable as he is right in that moment, actually crying in front of someone for the first time in _years_ if not decades. But not just anyone - Connor.

It's humiliating. Vulnerable. Scary.

And yet it is the inevitable accumulation of everything that happened between them. As if right from that moment when Connor walked back into the DPD everything led up to this point.

"Gavin..."

Two beautiful, gentle hands come up to cup his face and thumbs swipe at the tears that burn hot trails down his cheeks. Why can't Connor just be put off by this? Why can't he be disgusted and leave? Now he's here, witnessing all of this and he still has that same look in his eyes.

This is all fucked. And he should've known that while this is what he wants, he can't handle it. Because it's so overwhelming and he doesn't understand. There's only one thought on his mind and it's that he needs to be alone so Connor can't see any more of this display.

Nobody should see this.

"... _Don't_ -"

He whispers it and a hiccup interrupts him. _Pathetic._

But Connor still isn't backing off; isn't giving him the room to breathe he so desperately needs right now and he just wants him to go away so he can try and understand why this is messing him up so badly.

Connors hands on his face feel so comforting and warm that he can't stand in anymore, so in a swift burst of frustration he grabs his wrists much harder than necessary to push him away. The loss of contact immediately makes it all even worse. There is no right way out of this situation it seems.

He tries to swallow down those tears, wanting to retain the appearance of being in control when in reality he isn't at all.

The taste of bile burns at the back of his mouth. His lungs don't cooperate with him anymore as he's choking on...something. Nothing. Everything is kind of fuzzy and his throat feels constricted and - oh shit, he's having an anxiety attack, isn't he?

He's not sure whether it's the shame or that same panic that makes him lash out.

"We fucked and-.. and now you think you know me?"

His voice doesn't sound like his, hoarse and broken.

Connor falters.

Gavin doesn't know where the words are coming from; he doesn't even feel truly angry right now. He's just as much surprised by them as Connor is.  

"I don't know how dumb you think I am but I'm tired of whatever game you're playing. I don't- I don't want any part of you messing with me anymore."

The more he talks, the less it feels like it's him speaking. As if he's passively observing himself as his body takes the wheel from him and steers them right into a crash. He knows it's coming, because he feels his entire body tensing up as if bracing for impact when the words slip unchecked from his tongue and destroy every chance of salvaging this situation. 

" _I don't want you_."

The words hit their target with pin-point accuracy and brutal force.

Immediately Connor takes a step back as if he's been scorched. His eyes seem strangely distant and there is not a single clear emotion displayed on his features. It's not even neutrality. It's just...nothing. That's not a good look; Gavin didn't mean to put it as harshly as he did. His stupid mouth just kept talking, panicked and stressed as he feels.

But those words were undeniably his. There's no taking them back now.

Perhaps this is him ripping off the metaphorical band-aid. Or perhaps it's him wrecking a potential relationship and even friendship before it's properly begun.

He went ahead and burned down that entire bridge without any second thought to the consequences.

"...I see."

There is no feeling in Connor's words, just acknowledgement. It's too robotic, making it fairly easy to tell that this is just as much of a lie as Gavin's rejection is. Even he can see that.

So why can't Connor get angry at him right now? Why can't he tell Gavin that he's a fucking idiot? Snap him out of it? Why is he accepting this so readily when previously he's seen right through his bullshit?

He avoids eye contact as Connor steps back and stands there for a moment as if he wants to say something else. He doesn't. Instead he turns around to leave just as quickly as he arrived.

And then he's gone.

What stays is a lingering feeling in the back of Gavin's head that's pressing down on him in the most uncomfortable way. With shaking hands he grips the counter top and tries to keep himself upright as his vision gets blurry. He needs to calm down, right now, but the more he tries, the worse it gets.

Slowly the realization settles in of what he just did.

He didn't plan for this.

His heartbeat echoes throughout his entire body and if he's going to have a heart attack now that'd actually not be entirely unwelcome. Why can he not seem to breath anymore? He tries desperately, gasping for any air he can get and still it's not enough. Hyperventilating. As if something is crushing his chest.

This room is beginning to feel claustrophobic and he needs to leave, needs to get away, needs to go _now._

His knees almost buckle underneath him as he hurries back towards his desk. He's barely registering anything on his way there and when he arrives he frantically stuffs his belongings into his jacket without thought. In this state he's not getting any work done. No chance.

As he gets out of the station and to his car there's no trace of Connor to be found anywhere.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and all of your support. I'm still trying to catch up with comments, but due to stress I'm very slow at it. I still very much read and appreciate every single one, I actually reread them whenever I'm feeling stuck, so thank you for that from the bottom of my heart. I'm going to take the entire day tomorrow to try and respond to everyone I haven't gotten to yet!!  
> I really hope this was worth the wait and after this ending I'll try get the next chapter done much sooner than this one. :') 
> 
> And lastly, in case you need to know whether this is the end for them to put you at ease...
> 
>  **SPOILER WARNING**  
>  this ship is endgame. I promise.


End file.
